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Some of you may know, I've been having a very tough couple of weeks. No, all of my loved ones are alive and well, even my Aunt came through her cancer surgery ok. No, I didn't lose my job; I'm not going to be tossed out of my apartment. No, I didn't get sick....
But what happened instead is something that I wasn't prepared for - something that has shaken me because it's something I never considered, something I can't explain, or justify or even comprehend. Someone close to me has tried to hurt me in a most hateful way, and for the life of me, I didn't see it coming, and I know I didn't/ don't deserve it... I feel... numb.
You get comfortable... you think that your friends care about you, and if you truly value them as friends, you trust them... or at least I did. Now I sit here, and all I can do is wonder how I could be so naive, so trusting... Maybe it was the security of "knowing" someone nearly half your life. Maybe I'm just a bad judge of character.
I don't want any one experience to jade my view of people, but I'm having a hard time with this. I think I'll be resistant to being so open in the future. Inherently that feels like a bad thing to me, but maybe it's a change I should have made a long time ago...
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I read an article today titled 'Empathy Deficit Disorder'
(http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/06/18/o.empathy/index.html) and it's almost funny how on time it was.
Have you ever been going through something difficult and needed a friend to be there for you and they responded in a way that made you feel 100% worse? Well, maybe they are EDD - "catastrophically unempathetic" to the feelings of others. I don't know if it will make you feel better in the moment, but I found it moderately amusing.
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Here's to some of the things I would have blogged about if I wasn't feeling so crummy:
- R. Kelly gets to GO and will immediately collect $2 Billion dollars from his next album...
- Somewhere in Baltimore, a group of people (or gang as they say) thinks it's cool to open fire on groups of toddlers, hitting two of them (non-fatally thank God)
- Tim Russert joins the likes of Ed Bradley and Peter Jennings - talented and objective reporters eternally watching us from the good seats
- Craigslist is pretty cool, even though I've already been stood up by a would be buyer.
- There's nothing like family!
- Do you realize you could listen to an entire Frank Sinatra album and not feel compelled to skip any of the songs?
- Jealousy is an evil little feeling...
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There is always a silver lining. Even in times of pain or sadness we are still blessed. My dad and i have gotten closer and I've been amused at how protective he has been.. it's kind of cute. My brother, my dad and I all went out together for father's day.. equally impressive. I'm optimistic about getting out of this apartment that's been sucking the financial life out of me for the last few months! I have also found love in some rather unlikely places - people who I've had experiences with that run the gamut, and yet somehow I knew who they were and that they would be there. I still trusted them, and they still embraced me. I guess all hope isn't lost. *smile*
=)
Pray for me
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2 comments:
Auntie sent me.
1) This too shall pass. Whatever the hurt, how deep the doo doo how uneven it may seem, This too shall pass. TRUE LOVE is only able to be experienced with your guard completely down. You have to make yourself vulnerable enough to allow the flow of emotional instability to leave an indelible mark on your heart Oftimes that painful mark otherwise know as a scar is left by one closest to you. The one you trust most, have known the longest, would be the last person in the world that you would suspect to strike the blow. I used to believe in Karma, but now I realize that it doesn't work like that and sometimes really bad things happen to really good people. God has different lessons for us all and the way we are taught those lessons is completely individual and in our eyes extremely unfair. But not to God. Is the lesson never agaiin let your guard down?, Never let someone get that close to you again? Lock up your heart? Nah come on girl, you will never be able to experience the fulllness of the broad spectrum of emotions that God has gifted you with. Sunshine without the rain? Winter snow without a warm summer day? Don't cheat yourself! That's not to say that you don't learn from your experiences, but don't burn because of them. A life lived in fear.. is that really a life at all. BTW I will pray for you. And here's a big ole blog hug (high hug) just for you. Kevin
Hang in there girl and just be you. People will hurt and disappoint you and that truly sad part is there's nothing you can do to stop them. The good part is you can control how you react to it. Don't let them get to you, keep your head up, brush your shoulders off and keep it moving. Easier said than done? Yeah, it's true, but you can get caught up or change who you are because of someone else's drama. Love Ya!
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