I was talking to a relatively new friend of mine last week and he (being a tad bit nosy) asked what was different between my current significant other and the last bloke. If you know me well, you know that my last relationship was, in a word, bad... so it shouldn't be surprising that the new guy has a few things up on the old. His question made me do some reflection though, going back to my first boyfriend, on what the subsequent guy possessed (or didn't).
I haven't had a lot of titled "boyfriends," and actually some of the relationships I've considered most substantial went unlabeled. This compare/contrast concept is actually interesting. For example:
BF 1 to Unlabeled 1
My high school sweetheart and I got along well. He treated me wonderfully, and I never questioned him or his feelings. He was my first love, we were just young. After we broke up, I fell hard for a guy who's feelings I had to question constantly, and who didn't treat me that well. I tried to wait him out, but in the end I got tired of waiting and there wasn't anything he could do to change my mind. He did try though and it's actually one of the things I admire most about him now.
Unlabeled 2 to BF 2 to BF 3
After college, I dated a guy I had a big crush on while I was in school. We re-met a few years later, became friends and eventually began dating. He was what you might describe as the total package, but what I liked best was I could be myself, what I perceived to be my best self around him and he accepted me for me. I knew he was a commitment-phobe and so I never pushed for an official relationship, I just enjoyed his company. It ended on what's best described as a technicality, but we are still friends.
The boyfriend that followed was different from guys I dated before and could best be described as "simple". Nice looking guy, but kind of sheltered and not the sharpest. He was well meaning and tried really hard to be pleasing (too hard), but couldn't hold a conversation about anything outside his realm. Anything but a commitment-phobe, this guy was ready to propose after 6 months, and our relationship ended because it shouldn't have started.
The boyfriend after that was very sharp and we could always talk, but he lacked a sense of humor, passion and a number of other things. I knew him for over half my life, so my expectations were high but the experience was beyond disappointing.
Over the last 10+ years of my dating life, it does look like I have been attracted to people that were fundamentally different from their predecessor, and not always in a good way. Some people stick to a particular type of person - looks, temperament, intelligence... I seem to have gone the opposite direction. If you do an evaluation of your past loves, what do you come up with?
Is there a particular person that you use as a standard for anyone else that you date? If so, why aren't you with that person?
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There is a perticular person everyone uses as a standard, in my opinion. Some are good standards others arent so good. In my case I use a this person to measure what I never want to be a part of ever again in this life. Consequently, this is why I am not with this person any longer.
On the flip side the standard I have adopted in this last year or so is the definition of true love..."love is patient and kind...it is not rude or self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres...and loves to laugh/joke as much as I do (i added this one myself)" This is from the book of Corinthians. I am not holy rolly or anything and I dont expect a woman to fit every category either, but this is a good gauge to what I am now looking for in a mate. These qualities no one can hide, either you have them or you dont. These qualities are easy to evaluate because anyone can claim to have them but the person that truly posses some or all of these qualites,...these traits will shine through and you will actually be able to see them. I feel by using this as a standard when the time does come for a serious committed relationship or maybe even marriage, til death do us part would be a true assesment of your life with this person.
You definitely have to be careful though, sometimes you can posses these qualities and your mate will take advantage of you and those qualities leaving you feeling like there is something wrong with you...stay true to yourself though...
For example, I am visiting some people and a place I have frequented this past year. One of the people here and myself were in a very serious committed relationship for years. This past year I have seen that this person posseses nothing that I really want in a woman other than the fact that she is beautiful and a good mom (maybe thats what kept us together so long). As everyday goes by my vision gets clearer and now I cannot even stand to look at her. I actally get disgusted in my stomach when I see her now, a few short months ago there was nothing in the world I would not have done for her.
Thinking back I realized that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, she simply didnt and does not deserve me or my love. Also, how much this woman really made me happy. Not at all. The Bible and The Secret teaches us that life is supposed to be abundant in everything, including happiness and joy...I am glad that I had a moment of clarity to get my life back on track before its too late and I owe it all to my standards adopted by an ex...
Use your standards to get your mate b/c @ the end of the day you have to live with your choices. You may hurt some feelings along the way but when you find what you want it will be worth it...
AM
p.s. You were way out of that other guy's league anyway! lol!
And I say this in jest...after 10+ years of dating....you should go with the "current" standard of bases. You have some one now, so you should only be concerned with maintaining that and making it stronger. I mean...if you serious about settling down and all. And this goes for all you ABW's who have been in the dating pool for a while and your skin is starting to prune up. My granddaddy use to tell the women in my family, "Girl...you aint no spring chicken!" Now, I don't necessarily agree with that point of view, but none the less...it looks like you could go on and on about past homey/lover/friends, but I urge you to reconsider.
When you start stacking your currents up with your pasts you subconsciously bring up all the old good and bad shit about them. I actually wrote a poem entitled the “The one who got away”. I might post it up here if I feel like sharing, but with out giving away too much of it, its pretty much dedicated to my current (even though there is no electricity…lol…get it? =/) through a compilation of all the ones I feel got away. Like I said in previous posts, I got some relationship issues. Quite frankly, I somehow botch up (for lack of a better word) the good shit that seems to come my way. Maybe hind sight really is 20/20 and if that’s the case then I need corrective lenses because I have let some GREAT ones slip away. But I digress…the poem I wrote encompasses all the strong attributes of each of the Top 5ive as I call them. The brilliance of it is the fact that they hold nothing to what I currently have (which is nothing but that’s not the point). All by way of saying….when you stack up old lovers and relationships you kind of create a fictitious Salt-N-Pepa song where you talking about a nigga with a body like Arnold and a Denzel face.
Do you really want to start thinking about the old boyfriend who gave you fresh flowers every week or stayed home and brought you clam chowder? Or the other guy who use to beat it up just the way you liked it? Honestly it doesn’t make sense. I for one can’t allow myself to get caught up in the past anymore. It stops you from progressing on with any future possibilities. Nope. Not for me. No more fantasizing about red wigs, lipstick and honey that one time, or the times we held hands on the beach till sun rise. The past is the past. You can ALWAYS find someone better than what you have. And someone can ALWAYS find someone better than you. So there’s no reason to do comparisons. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass...
After some self reflection….Here’s a strong piece of advice from old Mr. Anon…”you want a standard?? Start with Jesus. How he stack up to that?”
Hmmm!! In my experience, I have come to accept the fact that for everything I have wished for, it has come my way. In listening and sharing with others, same fact has been established. The real questions is "What do we humans really need as opposed to want?" I recall moments I had silent wishes which I was not aware was a prayer asking for certain things. Guess what, it comes right before us yet I find a way to screw up the opportunity. Most people have those characters and substances that we admire in a person, now are they compatible with us is a different ball game.
I believe we all have to assume responsibility in the growth and demise of our relationships. I really believe one has to know oneself and understand ones purpose before one can deal with another person. So many factors affect or influence our thought, decision making process, expectations in relationship. That will be a different topic. I hope my perception is understood.
I would say I use my most recent ex as the standard for all others, but I am not really dating right now so there is no one to compare him to. While in reflection mode after our breakup I realized that all of my exs have something in common, besides me, and that is they have commitment issues. Maybe it's fear of commitment to me or just a general fear, but it's safe to say that even though they look very different I tend to pick the same person over and over again.
I don't like to think I am comparing and contrasting new people to my ex, but there are lessons that I've learned from each of them that I want to remember. No use in repeating the same mistakes.
Oh gosh I soooo have to get back to this, but for now I'll say that I do have set standards and no not based on a past guy of mine. My standards are based on what I have witnessed my mother go through. I have to get back to this later.
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