Random.... very.

Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they were about to start crying?

At first, nothing happens...
you look at them and they look back at you.

Then the surface of the eye gets a slight shine.
A thin clear coating.
The lower lid begins to collect the fluid. A thin brim lining better than any MAC product...
except it's transparent.

Nothing falls.
Staring intently you can see the liquid pooling in the corners, not a lot... just a little. Then it becomes hard to see.
They resist the urge but blink anyway. Then it's clear again.

There is time before the first tear falls, so take a moment and look over how the rest of the face is reacting. The nose has a slight sheen, perspiration no doubt, but you can imagine they aren't feeling warm. Cheeks slightly discolored.. in this case a flush. The skin directly under the eyes were swelling and growing darker. Mouth held tightly, undoubtedly trying to maintain control. Then back to the eyes. The pupils are changing in size as you move in to take a closer look. This close you can see the random flecks of color in the iris. It's actually quite beautiful. The last blink seemed to make the lashes dewy. A couple were stuck together but for the most part you wouldn't notice unless you were this close....

I never saw the tear actually fall. Perhaps because I was looking it couldn't...

I didn't feel very good last night. There was no tangible reason. Nothing happened during the day to upset me. I just felt unhappy. I felt like I was going to cry. I think I wanted to, so I stood in the mirror and I waited. As I waited I looked myself over and wonder why I wasn't satisfied. Why was I so critical of myself. Even of those I care about, but nothing is quite like the self criticism.

As I looked, I saw the physical imperfections that have bothered me over the years. I wondered why these traits overpowered my view when I looked in the mirror. In the past, I allowed myself to give a lot of credit to anyone who pointed it out, but no... it's my doing. If anyone else were to point out similar things in themselves, I would tell them "it's your uniqueness that makes you beautiful..." I haven't internalized that for myself.

I left the mirror and sat on the bed. I wanted to sleep but there was a paper to write. I moved to the chair, sat down, and reviewed the 6 pages of notes I'd take to write a 2 page paper. I went through the case reading multiple times. I reworded, rephrased, removed ideas and concepts...

I'm a perfectionist and I look at everything through extremely critical eyes. I'm hard on my work, myself... perhaps those closest to me in my family. Even now as I write, this entire blog seems kind of harsh. I believe in honesty and continuous improvement. I hold myself to these standards... perhaps sadness comes at the realization that I'm not perfect and I won't be because there is no such thing.

I know that I'm "perfect as I am" but again, I don't quite buy that deep down. I know I can be better. I can be kinder, more helpful, more knowledgeable, more spiritual, more pleasant... I can make better grades, better programs, better decisions... I can treat myself and others better.. This is my drive. I can see it's a cycle though...

*sigh*