I have a problem..
I'm a People Pleaser. Maybe not clinically (http://www.webmd.com/balance/people-pleaser-quiz), but I am. I've always tried to make everyone happy - parents, friends, family, "enemies". I've thought if I can do something that makes you smile, then I will in turn smile and be happier. I've never been able to handle someone not liking me. Scratch that word handle - it implies that I go through some sort of nervous breakdown. Let's replace with accept. I have never accepted someone not liking me.
I remember in elementary school, there was a girl who was kind of a bully and she was always mean to me. Unacceptable. I devised a way to get her on my side. I bought some candy and took it to school. I gave it away in sandwich bags to all my friends. I saw her watching, kind of sad. She didn't have friends and I knew it. I saved a bag of candy, walked to her, gave it to her, smiled, and walked away. She changed instantly. We were now friends and she even made me a bracelet.
That situation isn't unique. I'll have a party and instead of just inviting the people I'm close to, I'll invite a lot of peripheral people so they don't feel bad when they hear about it. I've driven short and long distances to see friends that were having trouble just to be supportive when I have something big to do the next day. I've stayed up all hours in college to help a guy I cared about with schoolwork, sometimes allowing my own studying to suffer. These things end up working out, but it begs the question ---> are my actions in my best interest.
What if I put it in a different way. When people are in need, I like to help. It's my personality. I get called on for all types of things and I seldom say no. AJ, can I borrow X dollars; AJ, can you work on this project for me; AJ, can you call so and so for me. Sometimes it is even, "Oh, don't worry about that, AJ will do it." And usually I do, and what that builds is an (unrealistic, although I am a superwoman) expectation that I will always say yes. So what happens when I say no? I get cold shoulders, guilt trips, and the piercing tone... sometimes even vindictive behavior. Even though the cases of "no" are rare, the reaction is almost always negative.
It sucks.
It hurts my feelings depending on the situation, but as I get older, I'm also getting over it faster. I've spent a lot of time giving, and what I've received often isn't comparable - this is not why I give, but it is a fact. My mother has said to me on more than one occasion that I give too much without any of my own expectations, even in regards to her. Sometimes that leads to people taking advantage. What makes it sting even more is that the same request can be made to someone else who declines, but the reaction is very different and there is little if any animosity. Maybe they haven't built up the same expectations.
I'll always do what I can for the people I care about, but in having two jobs, school and other priorities/commitments, I can't kill myself to get someone to smile. Sometimes saying no is good for me, even if it's different for you.
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2 comments:
There is nothing wrong with saying no. As a genuine hearted person you know in your heart that you give when you can. You know in your heart there are times you didnt have it to give. You also know that people, friends to spouse, most of the time take your generosity for granted. Continue to give, God sees it and that's is all that matters. The person needing the favor understands when you have to say no. However, they are the person in need so your reasons dont really matter to them...bottom line is they are not receiving the help they need...My advice is dont feel bad, you were never put here to please man. If people are upset with you for not giving its cool, turn around and ask the for something (not because you need it), when they say they cant help you then ya'll will be "even steven"!
AM
Angel you definitely have the propensity to please everyone you encounter and oftentimes it’s evident that you’re affected. I hate it when people take advantage of my friends, but at the same time I never really take a step back to analyze what part have I played in what I ask from people. However, I try to live by a simple unequivocal rule of thumb, “Would that person do it for me?” And if the answer is no, then I in turn them him or her ‘HELL NO!’ lol. However, I realize you’re not like that at all. LOL Seriously though. You can’t continue to give and give more to others at the cost of losing yourself.
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