The Morning After...

Last night I went to sleep, unable to keep my eyes open any longer, unable to listen to the radio or tv shows... I slept so hard. There were no dreams, just sleep. I rested. I woke up to Donnie Simpson's radio show talking about how proud they were. I hadn't forgotten, but I got warm again. My eyes watered and I smiled.

The world has been watching our country for a long time know, wondering if America could and would see beyond color and elect an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, open-minded, influential, spiritual and driven man to its highest office. The world celebrated with so many of us late into the night and morning.

I did several things I've never done before during this campaign. I talked about my views clearly and without reservation to any and everyone. I donated money on multiple occasions. I stood in line for hours to see him speak in person. I volunteered at a campaign headquarters. I didn't stay in the house to watch history, I went out and watched among a large extended family, united in a meaningful way. I cried and hugged strangers. I drove home honking through the streets with hundreds of other people doing the same. I felt full with the appreciation of what just occurred. What makes it even sweeter is I was able to share the moment with so many people I love and care for as well.

This represents so much, means so much to me. Sometimes I feel like I've been born into the wrong generation. I often prefer the music of the 60's to what I hear today. I'm extraordinarily content with people 30-40 years my senior. I have always been so heartbroken by the struggle that my people went through in this country, from slavery to Jim Crow, to the Civil Rights movement... Books, pictures, articles and movies I've seen have been burned into my soul and I can't forget. I am and have been motivated to "do something", anything to make a difference. I am sometimes guilty as referring to young people today (my generation and younger) as being apathetic. As a lost group that doesn't care about our history, or improving the lives of others. I have been saddened to learn that friends and associates of mine didn't vote during the Bush elections, even in Pennsylvania, a critical state. I have been angered by crass comments made about things I've considered real issues. This campaign has given me a reason not to be so critical. Sometimes it takes something strong to break through apathy and energize a people. A force so positive and true, that it cannot be denied. I'm so proud of my generation today. We stood in line for hours together, we donated hundreds and thousands of dollars, we made calls and canvassed, we celebrated peacefully together.

There is no pill that can be taken to erase what has happened in the last 24 hours. Many people do not feel the way I feel this morning. They are in a state of disbelief, or anger, or fear. They woke up hoping that it was a dream, but it's real. What's so awesome is that I truly believe our president is the type of man who will reach out to those he has yet to win over and be a wonderful president for them too. A man of his word.

I am so proud to be an American, a Black American. We have come so far and we must keep this passion and excitement going. This is the time for us to stand together and make a lasting impact on our society and our country. This is a time for all of us to take pride, but not to take it for granted. We have a tremendous amount of work to do.

President-Elect, Barack Obama.

Wow.

First Sunday

I've always considered myself spiritual, but not necessarily religious. Going back to my circles, I didn't mention spirituality outright, but my beliefs guide my actions, and the way I feel about my actions.

My religious background is full of experiences with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. My family is religiously diverse, and I have spent time with and been exposed to a variety of beliefs. Church on Saturday (yes we called it church, not synagogue), bible study and service on Sunday, and daily prayers (salat).

My parents never forced a particular religion on me, and I was very open to my experiences. I wasn't a regular anywhere, but I was comfortable with my relationship with God. When I went to college, I primarily attended a baptist church and I really felt at home. After moving to Rochester, I tried a few different places and settled into a non-denominational christian church. I had wonderful mentors and friends in God and I miss that.

Now back in Maryland, I don't have a church home, and haven't looked very hard. It's bad because the time I've been here has been the most stressful of my life. Family concerns, financial difficulties, multiple moves, overworked and betrayed... I've felt so unsettled and at times really down. I know my prayers aren't enough, and I haven't felt as close to God as I want and need.

Despite all of this, I know I'm blessed and I know I just need to open myself up to receive. God's been trying to tell me something; I just have to listen. On my way home from work, I pass three gas stations before getting on the highway. I always stop at the first, but for some reason, I decided to go to the second station instead. My debit card didn't work, and frustrated, I closed my tank, and drove to the third station. While pumping my gas, I noticed an older man looking at me, he had a warm smile and I smiled back. "Hello Soror," he said and as he was the elder, I made my way to him and we embraced in the usual sigma/zeta way. We chatted for a while about greek life and then he gave me his card. He was the pastor of a church in Upper Marlboro and he invited me to service. As I got in my car, I knew it was God telling me I needed to find a church home, and this could be an option. That was a few months ago, and today, the First Sunday in November, was my first time in a long time in a Maryland Church.

I didn't go to the church in Upper Marlboro. Instead I went to a small baptist church in Columbia. The service took about an hour, and although I wasn't overly touched by the message for today, I did get something out of it, and beyond that, I felt comfort. The people were very warm and open. My offering wasn't tremendous, but I wanted to give more than I planned and I felt good about it. I was the only visitor and the Pastor called my name (correct pronunciation and everything!) and welcomed me. About a dozen people came to me at the end of service and invited me back.

I drove home feeling better about life and myself. I worked really hard and finished my midterm ahead of schedule. I spoke to my grandparents for a good amount of time, and it had been a while since we last talked. I started organizing some papers and found money I didn't know I had, 7x what I gave to the church. Things for me financially have changed in the past week and it truly was a blessing to find the money.

I know it's just the beginning, and I'm getting the "I told you so," but I welcome it, and I'm looking forward to finding a church home and strengthening my relationship to God. I'm also going to be open to those God sends to help me and educate me along the way.

Bust Your Windows... the Remix

This is an attempt to take a song I like and turn it political. I'd really like to hear your thoughts... I didn't use the instrumental and I hope it doesn't get too hard, but it was easier for me to sing along while her words were in the background. Don't forget to press play!

{{Disclaimer: The end won't be a perfect match (at all), but you get the point.

Layna

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McCain and Palin go too far
And they won’t heal my country’s fragile heart
Four hundred years have caused some ugly scars
But they don’t seem to really get that part

McCain and Palin go too far
After the ratings fell, he chose her
Thought it would make things somehow take a turn
I’m glad he did cuz maybe now they’ll learn

I must admit it helped a little bit
At first they loved her now she’s stepped in sh*t
Forever captured in those SNL skits
But I’m glad they see what happens when

You see they can’t just rile up people’s feelings
Link him to terrorists and claim unfair treatment
When Lewis cautions that they play with fire
All Obama does is touch and inspire
Ha ha ha ha ha

McCain and Palin go too far
Had bad intentions from the very start
Reports of “kill him” shade all their talks
These tricks a common, right wing art

McCain and Palin go too far
Beliefs and morals aren’t addressed at all
Roles reversed it would be no contest
It should be clear Obama is the best

Oooh ahhh…
I must admit some worry, just a bit
To hear the hatred that some people vent
This racial tension has built up over years
And now they are just feeding into those fears

You see they can’t appreciate the meaning
He gives us hope for change, he’s unyielding
To threats and scheme and those with words unkind
Let’s take a stand this Obama’s time

But, but but but no no no nooo…
This is no comfort to my country’s heart
Split down the middle causing us so much pain
I can’t describe how I long for the day

OOohhh But until… (but until)
Eleven four (eleven four)
When we all stand together
cast our vote (cast our vote)

And the polls close, what a day

I can’t wait

But until… (but until)
Eleven four (eleven four)
When we all stand together
cast our vote (cast our vote)


And the polls close, what a day

I can’t wait

….

McCain and Palin go too far

Kiss and Tell....

As much as I like to claim to be an open book, the truth is, when it comes to certain topics, I tend to be pretty private. See, I have concentric circles, levels if you will, that correspond to my closeness to you, and the information I'm willing to share.

Level 1 - The big picture. You get to know my interests, what I do for money (at a basic level), a bit about my family, etc.

Level 2 - Details. You know about my relationships with my family, a lot more details about my work, specifics about my interests, etc.

Level 3 - The intangibles. You get to know a decent amount about my feelings, my insecurities, my dreams, my motivation.

Level 4 - The quirks. You know what it means when I say things in a particular way, or why I'm doing something that others may not understand. You know why I prefer heels to flats even though I love sports. You know what makes me smile, cry, yell, blush...

I'd like to talk about blushing....

There is this concept of "Girl Talk" that men (and women I suppose) have. I think men enjoy the idea that the women they are with talk *positively* about them - how they treat them, what they do, how they feel... even now, I can't just out and say the intimacy part but you get the picture.

I've never really been one of these girl talkers. I rebuff any inquiries with boring responses like, "oh, everythings fine," or "yeah, I like him." That's probably why I don't tend to get into these conversations with people, not even TP2. Things are changing though, with ladies nights, and different parties, (newer) friends are talking to me about personal things, and consequently, I think I'm sharing more.

It's interesting. Not sure how I feel about it yet, but I guess it could be educational. I've already learned a few new things *smile, blush*

What do you all think about kissing and telling? If you're a guy, do you tell your boys about your interactions with women? Does it matter if you're serious about the woman or not? If you're a woman, do you brag on your man to your friends? Do you slam a guy if he's lacking in some area? What about your "Oops" experiences...

Taking the blog to Level 2.... To Be Continued

Expectations...

I have a problem..

I'm a People Pleaser. Maybe not clinically (http://www.webmd.com/balance/people-pleaser-quiz), but I am. I've always tried to make everyone happy - parents, friends, family, "enemies". I've thought if I can do something that makes you smile, then I will in turn smile and be happier. I've never been able to handle someone not liking me. Scratch that word handle - it implies that I go through some sort of nervous breakdown. Let's replace with accept. I have never accepted someone not liking me.

I remember in elementary school, there was a girl who was kind of a bully and she was always mean to me. Unacceptable. I devised a way to get her on my side. I bought some candy and took it to school. I gave it away in sandwich bags to all my friends. I saw her watching, kind of sad. She didn't have friends and I knew it. I saved a bag of candy, walked to her, gave it to her, smiled, and walked away. She changed instantly. We were now friends and she even made me a bracelet.

That situation isn't unique. I'll have a party and instead of just inviting the people I'm close to, I'll invite a lot of peripheral people so they don't feel bad when they hear about it. I've driven short and long distances to see friends that were having trouble just to be supportive when I have something big to do the next day. I've stayed up all hours in college to help a guy I cared about with schoolwork, sometimes allowing my own studying to suffer. These things end up working out, but it begs the question ---> are my actions in my best interest.

What if I put it in a different way. When people are in need, I like to help. It's my personality. I get called on for all types of things and I seldom say no. AJ, can I borrow X dollars; AJ, can you work on this project for me; AJ, can you call so and so for me. Sometimes it is even, "Oh, don't worry about that, AJ will do it." And usually I do, and what that builds is an (unrealistic, although I am a superwoman) expectation that I will always say yes. So what happens when I say no? I get cold shoulders, guilt trips, and the piercing tone... sometimes even vindictive behavior. Even though the cases of "no" are rare, the reaction is almost always negative.

It sucks.

It hurts my feelings depending on the situation, but as I get older, I'm also getting over it faster. I've spent a lot of time giving, and what I've received often isn't comparable - this is not why I give, but it is a fact. My mother has said to me on more than one occasion that I give too much without any of my own expectations, even in regards to her. Sometimes that leads to people taking advantage. What makes it sting even more is that the same request can be made to someone else who declines, but the reaction is very different and there is little if any animosity. Maybe they haven't built up the same expectations.

I'll always do what I can for the people I care about, but in having two jobs, school and other priorities/commitments, I can't kill myself to get someone to smile. Sometimes saying no is good for me, even if it's different for you.