If it's conditional, it's not Love

Today on Facebook I decided to update an application called "God wants you to know" and this is what I got:

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.

I've been guilty of asking a significant other to explain their love for me by asking them why they do, and yet when I have truly loved, I know there isn't a rational reason... It's like the love that you share with your family and dearest friends. Can you imagine asking your sister why she loves you? Asking your parent or grandparent or cousin? Of course not. Despite their flaws, habits, failures or even actions, your love for them remains (although you may not like them).

If this isn't the case, then it isn't love.

I've used the word love with some freedom. I've said it for many reasons (they said it first, or it seemed like the thing to say) and justified it because there were things that I loved about that person. I have loved before, in the true sense of the word. Those I truly loved, I still do despite the circumstances that separated us.

I don't think loving someone is the end all be all, and maybe this is where I can be challenged. The idea that there is one "true love" is unacceptable to me. I believe that we are meant to love throughout our loves and hopefully, we will be blessed enough to love and be loved romantically by one person for a long, long time.

In the meantime, it's likely we will love people that we are fundamentally incompatible with and we can't discount this because of our love. You have to see them for who they are, and while you can still love them, realize that to be with them will make one or both of you miserable. This goes against our instincts - if you love someone, you have to make it work... but this assumes that it can when sometimes it cannot.

*sigh*

I think that's all I wanted to say about that, but when you realize that you do love someone, and they love you, and the relationship works... hold onto it.

Conditioned by the music...

I love R&B music... and I suppose therein lies the problem. Rhythm and Blues...

Blues... a state of depression or melancholy.

I was talking to a good friend earlier who stated something rather profound. She said something to the effect of "I wondered for a long time if I really loved my husband (prior to marriage) because for so long I associated pain with love, as if you can't have one without the other."

Wow.

She isn't alone in her thought process... many people, including myself, associate the ups and downs, joys and pains with a typical, dare I say even normal relationship. Where there's passion, there must be pain. Where there's love, there also is sorrow. But why...

Driving home from class, I was listening to the radio and "I miss you" by Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes circa 1972 was on. As I turned up the music and sung along with every word, it struck me. We've been conditioned by the music to believe that being in love, true love, also means going through pain, begging, forgiveness... After all, everyone messes up, right? Some of the "best" songs are centered around this concept, and we just eat them up. It becomes a sign of true love if you're willing to own up to your mistakes, plead for another chance. These songs make you wonder "What if" (a great song by Babyface) we were really meant to be... I should give them another chance, and you get caught in the cycle.

And if it's not baby please forgive me, the music talks about the very beginning, the pursuit of love. We're lead to believe that love is a chase at the beginning. An image of a man (or woman), adoring a woman (or man) from afar, just waiting to gain her/his affection. Think - "Beauty" by Dru Hill, "I wanna get next to you" Rose Royce, "Silly" Deniece Williams...

After that you have the songs that lead to the please forgive me type - the "pretty infidelity"... "Bad Habits" Maxwell, "As We Lay" Shirley Murdock, "Next Lifetime" Erykah Badu... Can it be that bad if it feels soo good. And can't I be sorry about it even as it's happening. "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right" Right...?

Is it any wonder that we think that love can't just be that? Most of us have experienced this radio version of love. Met a guy or girl, thought they were the one, pursued a relationship, gotten hurt for any number of reasons, tried to work it out, made up just to break up (another song)... and then, if it's really the self-fulfilling prophecy had them realize their wrongs and try to come back into your life...

Sometimes though, you have to take a step back, and realize that it doesn't have to be that way. Loving someone doesn't have involve the word sorry. It really can be easy. An effort that you both want to make... a natural flow without the games we're conditioned to play. You can meet someone, laugh together, miss one another, love one another and express these feelings openly to each other. You can work together through any difficulties that arise. You can bask in their love and feel comfort in the knowledge that they feel the same way about you. You don't have to wonder when it's all going to fall apart. You don't have to create problems where there are none. That's my new prayer, and I'm thankful because I know God is listening.

Take it in...

I walked Pepper tonight and was met with thick, warm air and a gentle breeze. I looked over the roofs of the houses and saw God's thumbnail surrounded by stars. I took in a deep breath and momentarily closed my eyes.

I wanted to sit out side and marvel at God's greatness. I felt like being one with the night. The humidity produced by the pending storms gave me a feeling of fullness. The more I inhaled, the more I relaxed. I came inside and asked my mom to come to the park with me. I wanted to see the moon and our balcony didn't face the"right" way. She was reluctant but agreed... unfortunately we didn't find a good place to park and sit, and she let me know about it. Slightly unnerved but determined, I decided the balcony would be better than nothing.

I sat in the chair, leaned my head against the backrest, and lifted my feet over the rail. It was cooler in the back, facing the woods. It was a cloudy night, but when I sat, I saw the opening above me. The beautiful lights twinkling between the clouds. I turned on my iPod, listening to Sade and stared. I think I've watched the clouds before but this felt different. It was beautiful... I could clearly see the Little Dipper which made me smile. As the clouds moved across the sky, I closed my eyes and immediately became aware of the wind. It cooled my cheeks as it caressed my face. I felt my eyes well and the tickle as a single tear rolled down my cheek. There was a new song playing..

If I can see it... then I can do it... If I just believe it... there's nothing to it... I love this song. Somehow sitting beneath the sky, feeling the night air, eyes closed, I could visualize the future I wanted. I actually saw my children playing in the backyard with their father. I could see my husband holding my hand as we walked down the street. I saw myself working on a project for my own business with my mom. I could see my dad hugging his grandson... I opened my eyes and the sky was again clear.

I took the chair back inside and shut the blinds.

Pain...

There are some pains that no one else can understand... pains that you alone feel.



Losing a child... losing a spouse... losing a sibling... losing a parent. Even if you've experienced a loss like this, it is very difficult to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is enduring that pain now.



Someone I care about deeply lost their mother yesterday. I cannot begin to feel that pain. I felt utter sadness and helplessness. I was there to help with logistics, to hug and hold, to listen... but I know it wasn't enough. There wasn't anything I could really do... there was no "better".



When I was alone, I got on my knees and I prayed. I asked God to provide comfort, to wrap him in his arms and help him find peace. I asked God to give him strength, and to help shoulder the burden that would be placed at home. I prayed that I would serve as a support, and that I would only say and do things that would provide comfort. I also prayed that God would allow the connection between mother and child to remain beyond life here... They were so close.



I then went back, and we prayed together. I felt like my words were shallow... but I hoped that they were received in the way I intended...



Thanksgiving is this week. It's the time when we make a concerted effort to thank God for our blessings, our loved ones... We are more aware of our joys and pains. I'll continue to pray for him and his family, and that I can be a useful support... I will also pray that God work on me to be a better friend, (grand)daughter, sister, cousin, classmate, employee, American, person...



I know he has wonderful memories with his mother that he can hold now. I know she is proud of the man she raised. I know he admired her more than anyone. I know she will always be with him. Please make sure that you let those you love know it. Time is not promised to any of us, we must do our best with the time we've been given.

I wish I had more words...
just more...

First Sunday

I've always considered myself spiritual, but not necessarily religious. Going back to my circles, I didn't mention spirituality outright, but my beliefs guide my actions, and the way I feel about my actions.

My religious background is full of experiences with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. My family is religiously diverse, and I have spent time with and been exposed to a variety of beliefs. Church on Saturday (yes we called it church, not synagogue), bible study and service on Sunday, and daily prayers (salat).

My parents never forced a particular religion on me, and I was very open to my experiences. I wasn't a regular anywhere, but I was comfortable with my relationship with God. When I went to college, I primarily attended a baptist church and I really felt at home. After moving to Rochester, I tried a few different places and settled into a non-denominational christian church. I had wonderful mentors and friends in God and I miss that.

Now back in Maryland, I don't have a church home, and haven't looked very hard. It's bad because the time I've been here has been the most stressful of my life. Family concerns, financial difficulties, multiple moves, overworked and betrayed... I've felt so unsettled and at times really down. I know my prayers aren't enough, and I haven't felt as close to God as I want and need.

Despite all of this, I know I'm blessed and I know I just need to open myself up to receive. God's been trying to tell me something; I just have to listen. On my way home from work, I pass three gas stations before getting on the highway. I always stop at the first, but for some reason, I decided to go to the second station instead. My debit card didn't work, and frustrated, I closed my tank, and drove to the third station. While pumping my gas, I noticed an older man looking at me, he had a warm smile and I smiled back. "Hello Soror," he said and as he was the elder, I made my way to him and we embraced in the usual sigma/zeta way. We chatted for a while about greek life and then he gave me his card. He was the pastor of a church in Upper Marlboro and he invited me to service. As I got in my car, I knew it was God telling me I needed to find a church home, and this could be an option. That was a few months ago, and today, the First Sunday in November, was my first time in a long time in a Maryland Church.

I didn't go to the church in Upper Marlboro. Instead I went to a small baptist church in Columbia. The service took about an hour, and although I wasn't overly touched by the message for today, I did get something out of it, and beyond that, I felt comfort. The people were very warm and open. My offering wasn't tremendous, but I wanted to give more than I planned and I felt good about it. I was the only visitor and the Pastor called my name (correct pronunciation and everything!) and welcomed me. About a dozen people came to me at the end of service and invited me back.

I drove home feeling better about life and myself. I worked really hard and finished my midterm ahead of schedule. I spoke to my grandparents for a good amount of time, and it had been a while since we last talked. I started organizing some papers and found money I didn't know I had, 7x what I gave to the church. Things for me financially have changed in the past week and it truly was a blessing to find the money.

I know it's just the beginning, and I'm getting the "I told you so," but I welcome it, and I'm looking forward to finding a church home and strengthening my relationship to God. I'm also going to be open to those God sends to help me and educate me along the way.