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FROM: ANONYMOUS
It's funny how I love the word theoretical. It actually suggests no proven base or facts. Just a fancy ass way of saying opinion, which like an asshole…everyone has one. Now I personally like fancy. I like fancy women with fancy jobs that use fancy words and acronyms to make shit seem more important that what it actually is. I guess I support ABW'S. Not to be confused with the other ABWS (Another Black Women Sobbing) Let me explain (*turning on the NE-YO and Jamie Foxx)…and this is more than just a theory. It's almost fact.
Traditionally men have been the providers while women were the nurturers. Men brought home the bacon and the women cooked it. There was this little thing called suffrage and gender equity and before you knew it, women were sitting at the table with the big dogs. And I personally am a fan. But that's not the problem…. The real issue lies in the definition of what you call accomplished. Or let me rephrase…accomplished black women doesn't always equate to good black women. Yeah I said it…
Having a good job, home, car, 401k, all that jazz might associate to you being a good catch on paper, but lets face it. If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault. While I will remain anonymous, if you know me then you know there is nothing more I want to be that a stay at home dad. Not a lazy negro on the couch, but a responsible father who is there for his children. I support the career minded women who are making strides and betting herself and still want a family. If these self called ABW's are having a hard time securing a mate for the future, then maybe…just maybe…its not about you being accomplished, but how your accomplished ass acts. Darwin or whoever tells us that a man is going to be a man and a woman is going to be a woman. You cant shake these undeniable facts of our genotype. We have an instinct to be providers, and what happens is you scream equal but get mad when we put you on the equal playing field. You cant ask for a little, it all comes with it. If you want a brotha to open the door for you and such, don't make claims and act like you can do it yourself. Confidence exudes through pores like pheromones, and we can tell when women have it. Not a bad thing…I'm just saying…be aware that acting like you don't need a man but for dick…well…that's all you might get. Dick.
Before I go, I'll take some questions. You in the front row…
Q: Are you intimidated by the success of the ABW?
A: Ummm…not at all. I love a woman who can get her own. It's less I have to buy. We can focus on more intimacy issues than what I bought you for valentines day.
Q: Are they resentful that the ABW doesn't "need" you?
A: I wouldn't want a women to "need" me for anything. That's not how you survive in this world. And for the record, unless she likes girls. she 's going to need me or one of my kind eventually.
Q: Do you see the ABW as more of a peer that doesn't require the same time, attention and affection as a woman that wants to be spoiled?
A: All women want to be spoiled. All women want a ring. No exceptions. Next question.
If I offended anyone, my deepest and sincerest apologies. I meant no malice. I respect a woman who has the balls for lack of a better word to stand up for herself and be independent. But then again…who wants a woman with balls.
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I won't say much, but I will add two comments of note.
- The Behavior of an ABW: In the original post, I did cite a difference between the Accomplished Black Woman (ABW) and the Accomplished Black B* (ABB, rhymes with witch you put it together). The men that have responded seemed to have overlooked this. The ABW I refer to wouldn't be classified as this latter category . None of us claim we don't need a man for anything except, you know. We often do thoughtful things that come with and without a price tag for the man in our life. I consider myself to be and ABW and I don't think any of those that have responded would say I behave in the way described above, or fall into the ABB category. So, let's move on...
- The ABW's Hero and SHEro: One of the most unspoken truths about Barack Obama is that he openly and often professes his love and admiration for his ABW - Michelle. She is awesome, by any standard. The Epitome of the Accomplished Black Woman. A role model to me, and countless others... But do you see the way he looks at her? There is nothing resembling the tone of the above statement. No cynicism, no indignation. He has an appreciation for the woman he won (and yes, he had to fight for her). But he was confident enough in himself, and interested enough in her to face any challenge she put forth. Now, there are few people who would question her support and unwavering love for him. When he won the election, and gave praise to her - his best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of the family, the love of his life - women, ABW's around the world shouted and cried for joy. I was out and it was, by far, the point that received the loudest reaction from the crowd. Why, do you ask? Because, it just isn't every day that you encounter a man, a woman, a relationship, a marriage like that. Michelle was almost 30 when they were married... do you still stand by your sugar coated indictment, "If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault," anonymous? Maybe, just maybe, my post offered more than just a "fancy ass way of [giving my] opinion."
Actually, I must thank you Anonymous, for allowing me the opportunity.
Posts
7 comments:
I think the issue is that many women think they are ABW’s when in reality they are the just women with some degrees. For example in my professional life I have met plenty of women who say “I just want to be married”. I don’t think many of them know what they are talking about. An ABW is more than someone with 4 degrees and a car. They have good credit. They are not broke. They are not needy. They don’t sleep around with the whole world. They don’t party all the time. They don’t need anyone. They are self-sufficient, independent but ready for new challenges. The woman I just described is Michele Obama, what most people don’t understand is that you don’t fit that description by fitting into one of these types but instead by all of them.
Men are not scared of you, you are a liability.
Men are not scared to love you, you require too much love.
In all when you get the rest of your life together and men will flock to you. Trust me. I have been married to an “ABW” for 3 years. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. Together we need each other. But we were both happy professionals for years before we were married. Now we are just happy together.
Thanks for the post, just to be clear to my readers, this "anonymous" is not the same person as the anonymous friend that sent the original email.
To your comment, I think you have some valid points. Some women do say they just want to be married, but really aren't prepared for "married life." They could just want the wedding and the associated bells and whistles.
I also agree (to a degree) that being an accomplished black woman is not just about the tangible things you have. It's also about being responsible (credit, stability, and with yourself).
Your opening that - "the" issue is that many women think they are ABW's when in reality they are just women with some degrees - sounds like you identify this as the main issue. While I agree that this is true sometimes, it is not the main issue. If you are honest with yourself, and reflect on your friends and associates that are male, I think you can also acknowledge that there exists a good sized segment of men that really don't treat the ABW's they've had in their life well. Whether it's because some woman did them dirty in the past, or they just don't think they should have to do certain things, they are neglectful or unappreciative of what they have.
As I said before, I am not condemning all men. I know plenty, including you, that treat the women in their life with respect and love. But to not acknowledge that the man also plays a role, is short-sighted (in my opinion). Even though some of the other post was written in jest, it is still apparent the differences between your way of thinking and his when it comes to respecting a true ABW.
Before I even get started...I am the Anonymous One that she speaks...you can address me as Anon.
"Men are not scared of you, you are a liability".
I couldn't have said it better. Just as many women do not want to deal with a man with kids because of the liabilities that come along with them, the same can be said in respect to the so called ABW.
In the end, people have issues. It’s like that on both sides of the ball. Past hang up’s can stifle the progression of any relationship if you let them. We are adults now, that shouldn’t be what problem actually is. You either want it or don’t. What I am talking about is the when these men aren’t doing what these ABW’s expect them to do….are we asking ourselves about the man’s expectation? All this talk about ABW’s and how men do them dirty and don't appreciate is kind of insulting. All black men, aren't good black men....we know that. But assuming you as a ABW have gotten over that "I need a thug" phase, or Treach from Naughty By Nature.... the men you should be talking too are evenly yoked. And in that sense....
What about the ABM?? Does his needs and wants go unaccounted for? I do see no blog about that?!?!? I mean…in all fairness. Maybe then….and only then….can we really get to the bottom of what’s really troubling you Ms. ABW.
All I can say is WOW. After reading all of the blog and all the comments, I can say that it sounds like Anon has a chip a mile wide for an ABW. Let introduce my self. I am an ABW I have 3 degrees in engineering and I'm a contractor to NASA. I have my own house, car, and motorcycle. I'm 30 and single according to my Tax filing. I don't care what anyone says ABW or ABM everyone needs something from someone else. Weather its friendship, companionship, family, love, ...whatever. My credit is good enough for me to have a house, I've never sleep around, I'm not broke, and I'd rather enjoy time with close friends at what adults now call "get togethers". I don't do the clubs it's pointless. So does all that make me Michelle Obama? NOPE. Why you ask? Because I don't have my Barack, a true ABM. I've run into my fair share of men that were wowed by my degrees but who cares...degrees don't keep you warm at night or provide family love. But it does give me the credentials to have a better than minimum wage job. It is written in the Good Book that we are here to love and procreate. Now how we go about that is the issue.
From reading the comments is sounds to me like Anon has a chip on your shoulder a mile wide. Where you burned by a woman you THOUGHT was a ABW? Maybe because all you saw was her resume and didn't take into account that some of the dumbest, most selfish,and very evil people have degrees and cars and houses. I think the essence of the point Lanie is trying to get across has been mistaken. You cannot have a true ABW without first having the personality traits of one. Besides all ABWs in my eyes don't all have 1000 degrees and cars and good credit. An ABW could have been a grandmother with only a high school education but is a community leader and helps other selflessly. she is accomplished just in a very different manner.
Require too much love??? If you have to quantify have much love you give to a person you would call your mate....you do not deserve to have a mate. Love is to be given freely and wholeheartedly. Not the I'll gladly love you Tuesday if you wash my clothes today. That is no way to have a relationship.
We as people are all intimidated by someone we perceive to have more than or be better than we are. But feelings like that go away when you realize they put their pants on just like you one at a time.
I never understood why men where afraid of me. I consider myself one of the coolest and nicest people you can meet. I'm very laid back and like to laugh. But the minute a man found out I have a PhD in Engineering....he either saw dollars signs or figured there was no way he could match up. I never asked him to. So with that...I moved on. Until the man I'm engaged to found me. Its funny because for a year he was like call me....and it never crossed my mind that he actually wanted to talk to me. Long story short guy gets girl and we grow together and talk out our differences. I want to be his Michelle and he wants to be my Barack. A relationship like the Obamas takes time, understanding, a willingness to grow and change together into something more awesome than either of us were when we were single.
So let's not make this a blame game. We all have faults and imperfections but the real key to finding your ABW or ABM is recognizing that you have faults in the first place. I can't tell you how many people run around thinking they are perfect and that the rest of the world is out of line.
My last question to the men...why would you feel insulted by comments about no good men if the traits they describe are not yours?
I honestly wasn’t even going to respond, but you sound so sexy I had to. Damn…3 degrees?!?! Where did you find the time to meet Mr. Right and settle….oh yeah..you waited till you were thirty. That iiis right. I do feel you though…you got to find the right person. Now every woman wants a nigga like Barack. See what progress does?? It in some ways really sets us back. See… by creating this false sense of reality of who people really are. you set yourself up waiting for something that might not be coming. Then…eggs run dry, prostrate go bad and you ultimately miss out. Or wait until your later years. *smirk. (Okay…the smirk wasn’t necessary…but still) I personally don’t want a Michelle Obama. I mean…let me not say that, I don’t know how she really is. Black women like to put on a show for the camera. I aint saying she faking…I’m just saying. All I want is a woman like Fat Man Scoop’s wife (youtube it if you don’t know). Big breasts, loves me for me, puts up with my shit and can put me in place when need to.
I mean…the breasts aren’t necessary. Not for real anyway. So I guess lets get into the issue.
I’ll only respond to it since you took the time to type it in twice to reiterate…No I do not have a chip on my shoulder. I have what some would call a boulder or small mountain. Climb it if you can. I didn’t get burned by a woman I THOUGHT was an ABW. She IS an ABW, and we had a rough relationship. I loved her dearly even though I wound up taking it in the ass in the end. I bought a ring she didn’t want. I didn’t care about her “resume”, she wasn’t a PhD who had umpteen degrees and was an astronaut playing with aliens. At the time she was the love of my life and best friend…the problem was it took me too long to realize it. So I do know a thing or two about recognizing the quality traits that make a good women…whether accomplished by society standards or not. I’m also smart enough to know that the next time around, I’m not going to miss out. But I aint going to lie. In between all that I definitely had to allow myself to get to that point. When break ups are rough…you deal with them. People do need people for things, and some things just aren’t as important as others.
I do find it funny that you assume you know me. Maybe it’s my tone… or the syntax or diction that I choose. Maybe I come across as a man with commitment issues and slightly misogynistic. Maybe…just maybe, I’m just a nigga with a bus pass and have no real sense of accomplishment what so ever. I’m all that. But…more than likely, I am accomplished. More than likely I have a PhD and work for a government agency as well (that doesn’t get as much funding as NASA). Maybe I’m not perfect, but certainly am the ruling general and tyrant in my own personal universe.
I’m not insulted by rantings of “no good men”, if it don’t apply…I let it fly. I will give you kudos…you have accomplished a lot and are a certified ABW and meal ticket. I would have loved to meet you…. say….4 years ago. Maybe 5. We could have made some music. I’m talking that Al Green, hot grits on you music….lol…aight I’m done. No but seriously. I agreee with you on some points. Don’t be offended…..its just comedy.
With a little bit of truth.
Anon....no offense taken. But you are right your tone and your diction have a certain mountain on my back bearing. As for the Obamas I think it is good if somewhat too unreal for TV that we as Black people can finally have a positive public example of what a black family can be. I just hope people will take notice just like they notice of the latest Trick daddy video or the newest Kanye West Fashion and say "Hey maybe The Obamas would be nice to emulate." No one can be just like them but I am greatful for a positive figure in the black community especially since they are plastered over every media source available.
I appreciate the kudos but people as a whole should work on discarded the fluff about a relationships and themselves and get back to straight up honesty and communicating with each.
Let me preface my statements by saying I’m responding to Anonymous #1’s comments in the actual blog and not to ANYTHING that was discussed in the subsequent comments. I read them, but honestly I’m STILL trying to digest the initial feedback provided by Mr. Anon. In addition, I’m one of Lanie’s more straightforward, extremely blunt, more controversial friends. With that being said here’s my response to it all...
First things First. Anon #1 please reveal yourself so that in the event I meet you I can run as far away from you as possible! You are the epitome of ‘tack’ (not to be confused with tact). Men like you are the reason why I invested in a top notch vibrator with 235 settings! Because I choose not to sleep around with every asshole I meet but enjoy having repeated orgasms, that was the best $150 I spent in life! It allows me to cut off every jerk I encounter without wasting my invaluable time. Yes I’m sure a lot of what you said was in jest, but I’m scared for any woman that ends up with you. ABW or not! Who am I? You can call me InCAGnito for now.
Now Anon please don’t get it twisted. I’m glad you responded in all your ignorance. It served for some great entertainment. I always find the thoughts of donkeys borderline annoying, but definitely entertaining at times. BTW Darwin coined ‘survival of the fittest’. For someone who mocks the “use of fancy words and acronyms to make shit seem more important”, you ironically ATTEMPT to be so ‘prophetic’ but completely miss the boat. You sir have reminded me why I chew men like you up and spit them out! Now Lanie has to be one of the most sweet and kind ABWs I know. I truly admire her belief that ‘true love’ still exists. However, I don’t believe men can handle women being more accomplished than them.
Now do I classify myself as an ABW?? Ehh...It depends on how one would define ‘accomplished’. I’m accomplished in my own right. Am I mean or a bad person? Not at all. Do some consider me a bitch?! Hell Yeah! Have I been hurt before? Of course. Am I bitter? Far from it! However, I’m realist and realize that my divulging the whole truth about ‘my credentials’ would in turn cause men to immediately become intimidated of me or try take advantage. My saying something normally rears a bad case of the bitchassness from my male counterparts. So I choose to keep my mouth shut. As a result, I manipulate the situation so that it’s in my favor. However, I am hopeful that my more nice and optimistic ABW friends can find deserving men that treat them well and spoil them endlessly.
With that being said, Lanie good luck girl! I know you’ll find someone amazing. You are a beautiful woman and deserve the best. Love the blog.
ANON, you’re a disappointment to me for so many reasons right now. (Ask Lanie. I realized something in reading this post) However, I wish you much luck homie. I hope you accomplish your big dreams of being a house husband. Very Impressive. LOL
I’m out!
Signed – INCAGNITO
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