ABWS Re-visted... The other side of the Morning After

Many of you read my post last month about the Accomplished Black Woman - Syndrome (ABW, ABWS). Many of you commented either privately or publicly (which I appreciate tremendously). A friend of mine recently read the post and wanted to add his $19.06 cents to the mix. This was done in email, and while I've agreed to keep his identity anonymous, I must share.

- - -

FROM: ANONYMOUS



It's funny how I love the word theoretical. It actually suggests no proven base or facts. Just a fancy ass way of saying opinion, which like an asshole…everyone has one. Now I personally like fancy. I like fancy women with fancy jobs that use fancy words and acronyms to make shit seem more important that what it actually is. I guess I support ABW'S. Not to be confused with the other ABWS (Another Black Women Sobbing) Let me explain (*turning on the NE-YO and Jamie Foxx)…and this is more than just a theory. It's almost fact.

Traditionally men have been the providers while women were the nurturers. Men brought home the bacon and the women cooked it. There was this little thing called suffrage and gender equity and before you knew it, women were sitting at the table with the big dogs. And I personally am a fan. But that's not the problem…. The real issue lies in the definition of what you call accomplished. Or let me rephrase…accomplished black women doesn't always equate to good black women. Yeah I said it…

Having a good job, home, car, 401k, all that jazz might associate to you being a good catch on paper, but lets face it. If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault. While I will remain anonymous, if you know me then you know there is nothing more I want to be that a stay at home dad. Not a lazy negro on the couch, but a responsible father who is there for his children. I support the career minded women who are making strides and betting herself and still want a family. If these self called ABW's are having a hard time securing a mate for the future, then maybe…just maybe…its not about you being accomplished, but how your accomplished ass acts. Darwin or whoever tells us that a man is going to be a man and a woman is going to be a woman. You cant shake these undeniable facts of our genotype. We have an instinct to be providers, and what happens is you scream equal but get mad when we put you on the equal playing field. You cant ask for a little, it all comes with it. If you want a brotha to open the door for you and such, don't make claims and act like you can do it yourself. Confidence exudes through pores like pheromones, and we can tell when women have it. Not a bad thing…I'm just saying…be aware that acting like you don't need a man but for dick…well…that's all you might get. Dick.


Before I go, I'll take some questions. You in the front row…

Q: Are you intimidated by the success of the ABW?
A: Ummm…not at all. I love a woman who can get her own. It's less I have to buy. We can focus on more intimacy issues than what I bought you for valentines day.

Q: Are they resentful that the ABW doesn't "need" you?
A: I wouldn't want a women to "need" me for anything. That's not how you survive in this world. And for the record, unless she likes girls. she 's going to need me or one of my kind eventually.

Q: Do you see the ABW as more of a peer that doesn't require the same time, attention and affection as a woman that wants to be spoiled?
A: All women want to be spoiled. All women want a ring. No exceptions. Next question.

If I offended anyone, my deepest and sincerest apologies. I meant no malice. I respect a woman who has the balls for lack of a better word to stand up for herself and be independent. But then again…who wants a woman with balls.



- - -



I won't say much, but I will add two comments of note.

1. The Behavior of an ABW: In the original post, I did cite a difference between the Accomplished Black Woman (ABW) and the Accomplished Black B* (ABB, rhymes with witch you put it together). The men that have responded seemed to have overlooked this. The ABW I refer to wouldn't be classified as this latter category . None of us claim we don't need a man for anything except, you know. We often do thoughtful things that come with and without a price tag for the man in our life. I consider myself to be and ABW and I don't think any of those that have responded would say I behave in the way described above, or fall into the ABB category. So, let's move on...


2. The ABW's Hero and SHEro: One of the most unspoken truths about Barack Obama is that he openly and often professes his love and admiration for his ABW - Michelle. She is awesome, by any standard. The Epitome of the Accomplished Black Woman. A role model to me, and countless others... But do you see the way he looks at her? There is nothing resembling the tone of the above statement. No cynicism, no indignation. He has an appreciation for the woman he won (and yes, he had to fight for her). But he was confident enough in himself, and interested enough in her to face any challenge she put forth. Now, there are few people who would question her support and unwavering love for him. When he won the election, and gave praise to her - his best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of the family, the love of his life - women, ABW's around the world shouted and cried for joy. I was out and it was, by far, the point that received the loudest reaction from the crowd. Why, do you ask? Because, it just isn't every day that you encounter a man, a woman, a relationship, a marriage like that. Michelle was almost 30 when they were married... do you still stand by your sugar coated indictment, "If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault," anonymous? Maybe, just maybe, my post offered more than just a "fancy ass way of [giving my] opinion."

Actually, I must thank you Anonymous, for allowing me the opportunity.

Blog Theory - ABWS - Accomplished Black Woman Syndrome

So depending on your gender as you read this, you are either really excited or you have red flags shooting up. In either case, I hope you are anxious to read on.

I've been talking to some of my friends that are ABW's (yes, I'm claiming that I've coined a new phrase) and I as I sit hear coughing and sniffing alone in bed, I think I've figured it out!

In general, people are proud. When we do important or meaningful work, we like to share it with others. We all enjoy pats on the back, we all like to beam with pride. Sometimes women keep their accomplishments to themselves on the world stage, but at home, we like to share the good we've done with those we care about. Thus ABWS.

The thought behind the theory is that men are less motivated to please an ABW than women that are "less accomplished". Eyebrows raised? Good. Let's dig a bit deeper. Have you heard a group of guys talking about independent women and how things are "equal" now? The theory follows that "equal" is code for:

- She needs to foot a couple of dinners (half preferred)
- She shouldn't expect me to rush to open doors
- She should get me gifts when she goes somewhere
- She doesn't need me to whisper sweet nothings

You get the picture. Equal becomes an excuse to behave badly. Yeah, I said it. Chivalry is dead for the ABW. Since she can take care of herself, there is an expectation for her to do just that. These are also the same men that blast women (often behind their backs) who are vocal about their desire for a man to step up and take care of them. These men claim they want that independent woman, that ABW, but when the opportunity presents itself to have an ABW, they can't perform.

To test my theory, I think I'll attempt to meet a guy and not share any accomplished details about myself. Sure I went to school and finished. I have an average job at the University. I live at home with my mother. Nothing about what my degree was in, what I'm in school for now, my accurate career profile, my home owner history. Other than that, I'll be my sweet self and we'll see what happens. My hypothesis is that this random guy will call me frequently wanting to take me out to a variety of places; never bring up how men and women are "equal" because he doesn't expect me to do those things; he will court me, adore me and end up proposing! (LOL, had to add it in).

Don't get me wrong, you have to write with a strong point of your to get your message across, but I know there are many men who would really appreciate their ABW and treat them like a queen. I can give an example close to home of my Aunt K who was swept off her feet by a persistent man that loved the fact she was an ABW. Plenty of them are out here.... but... it is the experience of my ABW friends that I speak to and say that there are also plenty of guys that can't handle an ABW.

This raises the question of why? Are they intimidated by the success of the ABW? Are they resentful that the ABW doesn't "need" them? Have they been scorned by an ABB and do they hold it against ABW's (you can figure that one out)? Do they see the ABW as more of a peer that doesn't require the same time, attention and affection as a woman that wants to be spoiled?

I'm open to your thoughts. Comment Away! Oh, and subscribe to my blog!!! (upper right corner)

AJ