Conditioned by the music...

I love R&B music... and I suppose therein lies the problem. Rhythm and Blues...

Blues... a state of depression or melancholy.

I was talking to a good friend earlier who stated something rather profound. She said something to the effect of "I wondered for a long time if I really loved my husband (prior to marriage) because for so long I associated pain with love, as if you can't have one without the other."

Wow.

She isn't alone in her thought process... many people, including myself, associate the ups and downs, joys and pains with a typical, dare I say even normal relationship. Where there's passion, there must be pain. Where there's love, there also is sorrow. But why...

Driving home from class, I was listening to the radio and "I miss you" by Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes circa 1972 was on. As I turned up the music and sung along with every word, it struck me. We've been conditioned by the music to believe that being in love, true love, also means going through pain, begging, forgiveness... After all, everyone messes up, right? Some of the "best" songs are centered around this concept, and we just eat them up. It becomes a sign of true love if you're willing to own up to your mistakes, plead for another chance. These songs make you wonder "What if" (a great song by Babyface) we were really meant to be... I should give them another chance, and you get caught in the cycle.

And if it's not baby please forgive me, the music talks about the very beginning, the pursuit of love. We're lead to believe that love is a chase at the beginning. An image of a man (or woman), adoring a woman (or man) from afar, just waiting to gain her/his affection. Think - "Beauty" by Dru Hill, "I wanna get next to you" Rose Royce, "Silly" Deniece Williams...

After that you have the songs that lead to the please forgive me type - the "pretty infidelity"... "Bad Habits" Maxwell, "As We Lay" Shirley Murdock, "Next Lifetime" Erykah Badu... Can it be that bad if it feels soo good. And can't I be sorry about it even as it's happening. "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right" Right...?

Is it any wonder that we think that love can't just be that? Most of us have experienced this radio version of love. Met a guy or girl, thought they were the one, pursued a relationship, gotten hurt for any number of reasons, tried to work it out, made up just to break up (another song)... and then, if it's really the self-fulfilling prophecy had them realize their wrongs and try to come back into your life...

Sometimes though, you have to take a step back, and realize that it doesn't have to be that way. Loving someone doesn't have involve the word sorry. It really can be easy. An effort that you both want to make... a natural flow without the games we're conditioned to play. You can meet someone, laugh together, miss one another, love one another and express these feelings openly to each other. You can work together through any difficulties that arise. You can bask in their love and feel comfort in the knowledge that they feel the same way about you. You don't have to wonder when it's all going to fall apart. You don't have to create problems where there are none. That's my new prayer, and I'm thankful because I know God is listening.

Worth?

So, my little Pep isn't doing so well and we just learned that she needed surgery that's going to run close to $1,000... Now, if you know what's been going on with me lately, you'll realize I don't have that... but at the same time, I didn't think twice, I scheduled the surgery and will pay the money. Pep is worth it.

Taking a step back, I can imagine going somewhere and someone telling me I needed to spend $1,000 on myself, and me saying "ummm..... is that really necessary.... can I postpone it.... I don't think I can do that right now...." Does that mean I think I'm not worth it?

Perhaps this is an extreme comparison, perhaps not. Although she's a pup and not a child, I feel responsible for her completely, I don't like to see her in pain or uncomfortable as she is now. Consequently, I am willing to do for her, what I'm hesitant to do for myself.

I've always enjoyed seeing people I care about smile when I am able to give. It warms me much more than if I'd done the same gesture for myself. Some people have told me that I need to be a bit more selfish in this respect, but I think I prefer it this way...

I do have a request... if you have a moment, can you send up a quick prayer for my Pepper that she is fine through this surgery. I don't know what I'd do without her at this point.

Merci

very random.. very necessary

I haven't written in a while, and perhaps I've suffered for it. A lot has happened in the last 4 months that's gone virtually undocumented - I've been baptized, gone to Vegas, New Orleans and Houston, secured my own consulting job, been promoted at work, learned yet another lesson or two about love and bought a new car. It's been a season of high highs, and low lows.

Now I'm in a place where there is so much to do and I can't seem to find my way to getting anything done. I know God won't leave me hanging out on a limb, but my motivation is low and I've been praying for some pep in my steps. Part of it is being hurt and depressed about a failed relationship. It's never easy when you care for someone who can't or won't care for you back the way you deserve. I find myself struggling, missing a friend who wasn't always a friend to me, wondering why it turned out the way that it did. Knowing that despite my sadness, he wouldn't have changed, and I couldn't have been happy with that.

As I look ahead to what the future has in store professionally, personally and spiritually. I have 8 months until graduation... then it will be time for me to do something new, probably in someplace new. Now, more than ever, I realize the beauty of being not-busy. I no longer associate being busy with being important - I think I subconsciously used to. Instead of a life full of ladder climbing, power networking and high visibility projects, I prefer a life of meaningful achievements, lasting relationships and PTA meetings.

God is answering my prayers in the way that only he can. So I'm going to keep up these prayers, knowing that although sometimes the answers may hurt, I'll be better for them in the long run. I know that we are brought through experiences and meet people for a reason that isn't always clear. In love, my relationships have taught me well - preparing me for a man that will be everything I want him to be, and in turn I will be able to appreciate and cherish him as he deserves. I know I'm not perfect... but I pray he can accept me in whole, as I am. My experiences have helped me figure out what I want, and what I don't want. What's acceptable and what isn't. I know there is a lot more to learn...

For now, I should probably stop these random musings and focus on getting things finalized for my conference, wrapping up consulting projects and closing out assignments for school... If anyone can help, I would greatly appreciate it.

It's nice to be writing again...

My Judgement Free Journey - Part 1

Being comfortable with my own spiritual journey has not always been easy. My background is unique in that I was exposed to Christianity, Judaism and Islam during my childhood, and it took me a long time to understand what all the differences were between them... still learning.

As a child, I noticed a few things about them all:
- Belief in a higher being
- Principles and morals
- Prayer
- Praise
- Worship and Fellowship

The implementation may have been different, but I saw a lot of similarities. There were good people of all faiths; my friends and family. My parents wanted to leave the door open for me, not pushing me in any particular direction, and I didn't move in one for a long time. I prayed every night - the same prayer my Muslim Aunt taught me when I was a child. I attended a variety of religious functions and I made it my life goal to be a good person. I also made an unspoken decision to be a Christian.

The discussion of religion came up in high school, and a classmate lashed out at me when I said I didn't have a church home or go to church consistently. This was a girl I'd spent time with, gone out with, talked to on a regular basis. That day, in my mind, she did everything but call me a heathen. This event stands out because it was the first time I thought seriously about hypocrisy and judgement. I wondered how a person who I knew to be a sinner on multiple levels could so vocally cast a stone in my direction because I didn't go to church and she did. I was hurt, and I didn't understand. At the time I don't remember if I confided in anyone, but I do know I withdrew and was hesitant to engage in conversations about religion with others...

In college I experienced more spiritual growing pains. I dated a guy who was a Christian, and he asked me to read the bible with him, and come to church with him one particular day. We read, but I was defensive, afraid he would judge me as religiously ignorant and I pulled away. I could feel a rift begin and was sad because I didn't know how to fix it. I began reading verses randomly. I received a "Possibility Thinkers" bible that I still use today and would look up specific words I wanted to learn more about. I even started sharing verses with the guy when he'd do something "wrong" (improper I know). I also began visiting churches in college. Mt. Ararat, another small church in Shadyside and a few others before settling in at Macedonia. I was moved by the services there and felt at home until I graduated. This was also the first time I know I consciously, knowingly and with full desire confessed aloud that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior...

To be continued.

Take it in...

I walked Pepper tonight and was met with thick, warm air and a gentle breeze. I looked over the roofs of the houses and saw God's thumbnail surrounded by stars. I took in a deep breath and momentarily closed my eyes.

I wanted to sit out side and marvel at God's greatness. I felt like being one with the night. The humidity produced by the pending storms gave me a feeling of fullness. The more I inhaled, the more I relaxed. I came inside and asked my mom to come to the park with me. I wanted to see the moon and our balcony didn't face the"right" way. She was reluctant but agreed... unfortunately we didn't find a good place to park and sit, and she let me know about it. Slightly unnerved but determined, I decided the balcony would be better than nothing.

I sat in the chair, leaned my head against the backrest, and lifted my feet over the rail. It was cooler in the back, facing the woods. It was a cloudy night, but when I sat, I saw the opening above me. The beautiful lights twinkling between the clouds. I turned on my iPod, listening to Sade and stared. I think I've watched the clouds before but this felt different. It was beautiful... I could clearly see the Little Dipper which made me smile. As the clouds moved across the sky, I closed my eyes and immediately became aware of the wind. It cooled my cheeks as it caressed my face. I felt my eyes well and the tickle as a single tear rolled down my cheek. There was a new song playing..

If I can see it... then I can do it... If I just believe it... there's nothing to it... I love this song. Somehow sitting beneath the sky, feeling the night air, eyes closed, I could visualize the future I wanted. I actually saw my children playing in the backyard with their father. I could see my husband holding my hand as we walked down the street. I saw myself working on a project for my own business with my mom. I could see my dad hugging his grandson... I opened my eyes and the sky was again clear.

I took the chair back inside and shut the blinds.