Blog Theory - ABWS - Accomplished Black Woman Syndrome

So depending on your gender as you read this, you are either really excited or you have red flags shooting up. In either case, I hope you are anxious to read on.

I've been talking to some of my friends that are ABW's (yes, I'm claiming that I've coined a new phrase) and I as I sit hear coughing and sniffing alone in bed, I think I've figured it out!

In general, people are proud. When we do important or meaningful work, we like to share it with others. We all enjoy pats on the back, we all like to beam with pride. Sometimes women keep their accomplishments to themselves on the world stage, but at home, we like to share the good we've done with those we care about. Thus ABWS.

The thought behind the theory is that men are less motivated to please an ABW than women that are "less accomplished". Eyebrows raised? Good. Let's dig a bit deeper. Have you heard a group of guys talking about independent women and how things are "equal" now? The theory follows that "equal" is code for:

- She needs to foot a couple of dinners (half preferred)
- She shouldn't expect me to rush to open doors
- She should get me gifts when she goes somewhere
- She doesn't need me to whisper sweet nothings

You get the picture. Equal becomes an excuse to behave badly. Yeah, I said it. Chivalry is dead for the ABW. Since she can take care of herself, there is an expectation for her to do just that. These are also the same men that blast women (often behind their backs) who are vocal about their desire for a man to step up and take care of them. These men claim they want that independent woman, that ABW, but when the opportunity presents itself to have an ABW, they can't perform.

To test my theory, I think I'll attempt to meet a guy and not share any accomplished details about myself. Sure I went to school and finished. I have an average job at the University. I live at home with my mother. Nothing about what my degree was in, what I'm in school for now, my accurate career profile, my home owner history. Other than that, I'll be my sweet self and we'll see what happens. My hypothesis is that this random guy will call me frequently wanting to take me out to a variety of places; never bring up how men and women are "equal" because he doesn't expect me to do those things; he will court me, adore me and end up proposing! (LOL, had to add it in).

Don't get me wrong, you have to write with a strong point of your to get your message across, but I know there are many men who would really appreciate their ABW and treat them like a queen. I can give an example close to home of my Aunt K who was swept off her feet by a persistent man that loved the fact she was an ABW. Plenty of them are out here.... but... it is the experience of my ABW friends that I speak to and say that there are also plenty of guys that can't handle an ABW.

This raises the question of why? Are they intimidated by the success of the ABW? Are they resentful that the ABW doesn't "need" them? Have they been scorned by an ABB and do they hold it against ABW's (you can figure that one out)? Do they see the ABW as more of a peer that doesn't require the same time, attention and affection as a woman that wants to be spoiled?

I'm open to your thoughts. Comment Away! Oh, and subscribe to my blog!!! (upper right corner)

AJ

poetry under construction

This time I mean the title literally.

I was working on this piece and thought I'd share. It's early yet...

Title: If you don't

If you don't hear the understanding in my words
A reflection of your every want, need and whim
Know that your passions penetrate my skin
I can't please you...

If you don't cherish the essence of my spirit
Appreciate the gift of just being near it
Delighting in my smiles and forgiving my flaws
I can't be free with you...

If you don't take the time to get to know my mind
Show concern for my dreams and aspirations
Embracing my quirks without hesitation
I can't compliment you...

If you don't see the fire in my eyes
Replicated in the warmth between my thighs
Compounded by the desire in my tone
I can't show you...

If you don't find a way to open up
Allow yourself to receive the love I'm trying to offer
Swallow past hurts and become a bit softer
I can't.

It's almost unreal... 2008

If you were a betting man, and you saw this year coming, you would be filthy rich right now. Globally, Nationally and Personally, I didn't see most of this ish coming, and while some of it is pretty bad, some of it has been good. The year is still young though.

* Who would have bet on Barack Obama winning the democratic nomination a year or two ago? Some people may have seen this one coming, but he was still a relative newcomer, especially to those who don't follow politics that closely. I remember talking to my cousin in her kitchen during those months she and her husband graciously allowed me to crash there about Barack and Hillary. I hadn't made up my mind at that point, but I was listening to all of the talk very seriously. I watched YouTube video's on Barack and read some of his Bio. I even got to see him in person when he came to College Park to speak (He smiled at me - I have proof). I did something that I tend to shy away from when I present discussion topics - I took a firm stand.

On 12/12/07, I sent a note to all my family and friends throwing all of my support behind Barack Obama and Our Cause. Since then I have been a strong supporter and as the days count down to the election, I find myself in a very high strung state. I know I will probably cry either way, but for very different reasons. His victory would mean so much to this country and this world. His loss would be a devastating blow, and I actually fear what the country would look like under a McCain/Palin administration. Whoever the next president is will have to face some of the most difficult challenges a president has ever faced. His first term will be merciless, and yet, with Obama as our leader, I do think we would find our way out of this economic darkness, energy crisis and educational decline. I will continue to pray for this.

* Who would have bet that the Iraq War would still be going on in 2008? Ok, most of us would probably have taken this bet, afterall, we are still in the Bush administration. What may be more surprising to us is the strong stance opposing leaders have taken against the US and President Bush, especially while speaking on such a public forum as the United Nations. First Chavez calls Bush the devil in an otherwise eloquent speech, and now Iran's president (I'm not even going to try to spell his name on my own and I don't feel like googling it, I'm on a roll) is giving Bush the thumbs down sign in front of the world. Not to mention calling him a N*... just a joke for my MBA friends. But seriously...

Russia is invading Georgia, Bush thinks they've taken over Atlanta. Darfur is still in turmoil, Haiti is entirely underwater and Houston/Galveston is in shambles. They are blowing up hotels in Pakistan and breaking millions of records in smog covered Beijing. It's been amazing to watch.

*Personally, well, I'm alive, and kicking. I'm loving school even though it's working me over right now, and I love the new place. Work could have it's challenges, but at this point I'm paying the bills and negotiating better working conditions which is great. The year has had it's ups and downs, but considering the state I could be in, I'm doing darn good. It looks like I'll be blogging more which makes me happy too. One of my friends said she admired the fact that I was a "true romantic" still, and I must say I think she's right. I'm still hoping that one day the right guy will find me, appreciate/adore/cherish me, marry me, have children with me, and love me until my last breath. Stay tuned.

Keeping up with the Jones'

**sidenote** I actually wrote this blog last Wednesday, September 17th on a piece of paper in class. Took a few days to actually post. As always, comments welcome.

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It's mid-September and I've thought about blogging a lot, but I've been too busy shopping. Well, more like spending money - there is a difference. I'm not going to list out everything that I've purchased, but take it from me, I haven't had a spending spree like this ... ever.

There have been useful things. I'm typing on one of them, but there have also been things that are materialistic in nature; things I don't usually consider. Part of me can excuse it by saying "I'm getting older, I should have nice things," but another part of me thinks I'm just spending to keep up with the Jones', and that's strange..

Do I care what people like the Jones' think?

Well of course to a degree. I live in the MD/DC/VA area, the US' other fashion center, and in some ways I feel "less than" here. Part of this could bee that my confidence is shaken from a recent experience that shall go unnamed, but most of it is probably me overdramatizing. In either case, I'm HAPPY with all of my expenditures, much to my mother's shock. On the other hand, I've lost my desire to spend just today because I know I will never be able to keep up with the Jones' and actually, I don't think I want to.

There are so many things I want to do with my time and money, like writing and painting and going to Paris. I'm excited about creating a new financial future for myself. The Jones' can have it there way. I'll have it mine.

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Closing Note: There was an article in DiversityInc today about Black Women and Spending. Very interesting read. http://www.diversityinc.com/public/4411.cfm