If it's conditional, it's not Love

Today on Facebook I decided to update an application called "God wants you to know" and this is what I got:

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.

I've been guilty of asking a significant other to explain their love for me by asking them why they do, and yet when I have truly loved, I know there isn't a rational reason... It's like the love that you share with your family and dearest friends. Can you imagine asking your sister why she loves you? Asking your parent or grandparent or cousin? Of course not. Despite their flaws, habits, failures or even actions, your love for them remains (although you may not like them).

If this isn't the case, then it isn't love.

I've used the word love with some freedom. I've said it for many reasons (they said it first, or it seemed like the thing to say) and justified it because there were things that I loved about that person. I have loved before, in the true sense of the word. Those I truly loved, I still do despite the circumstances that separated us.

I don't think loving someone is the end all be all, and maybe this is where I can be challenged. The idea that there is one "true love" is unacceptable to me. I believe that we are meant to love throughout our loves and hopefully, we will be blessed enough to love and be loved romantically by one person for a long, long time.

In the meantime, it's likely we will love people that we are fundamentally incompatible with and we can't discount this because of our love. You have to see them for who they are, and while you can still love them, realize that to be with them will make one or both of you miserable. This goes against our instincts - if you love someone, you have to make it work... but this assumes that it can when sometimes it cannot.

*sigh*

I think that's all I wanted to say about that, but when you realize that you do love someone, and they love you, and the relationship works... hold onto it.

Vicious Cycles

I used to talk to a dear friend of mine about circles. We would sit at Applebee's or Ruby Tuesdays and I would reflect life, past relationships and talk about how so often things circled back to where they started. Lost loves come back, wanting second chances. Things that you were interested in years ago become interesting again...

The circles also work for your behavior. We tend to repeat our actions, circling back to what we used to do even if we know it doesn't produce good results. I have circles of this type and I realize that it's time to break them. Earlier this week I had a behavioral circle show it's ugly head. I pushed, knowing full well I shouldn't. It was almost an out of body thing, where I could see it, and knew I should stop, but I didn't. It wasn't to the magnitude as it has been in the past, but it was enough to cause an issue and by the time I caught my tongue, the damage was done.

Not at all what I wanted and part of my sadness stemmed from knowing that even though there was some validity in both sides, I wasn't being myself and I allowed a protective shell to do my talking for me. I know better, and I have to do better if I want better.

After some prayer, and some reflection I was able to have the conversation I should have had in the first place, and things have felt so much better... Sometimes you have to let the circles go.

blogging at this hour....

It's late, I'm awake and I'm blogging. Not the best sign.

One thing I know to be true. Tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes you don't have more time to fix things, say things, do things for the people you care about. We can't assume that we have that time. Things often look different in the morning, sometimes better, sometimes worse. I don't have all the answers, I just wish for something different now at 3am.

Conditioned by the music...

I love R&B music... and I suppose therein lies the problem. Rhythm and Blues...

Blues... a state of depression or melancholy.

I was talking to a good friend earlier who stated something rather profound. She said something to the effect of "I wondered for a long time if I really loved my husband (prior to marriage) because for so long I associated pain with love, as if you can't have one without the other."

Wow.

She isn't alone in her thought process... many people, including myself, associate the ups and downs, joys and pains with a typical, dare I say even normal relationship. Where there's passion, there must be pain. Where there's love, there also is sorrow. But why...

Driving home from class, I was listening to the radio and "I miss you" by Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes circa 1972 was on. As I turned up the music and sung along with every word, it struck me. We've been conditioned by the music to believe that being in love, true love, also means going through pain, begging, forgiveness... After all, everyone messes up, right? Some of the "best" songs are centered around this concept, and we just eat them up. It becomes a sign of true love if you're willing to own up to your mistakes, plead for another chance. These songs make you wonder "What if" (a great song by Babyface) we were really meant to be... I should give them another chance, and you get caught in the cycle.

And if it's not baby please forgive me, the music talks about the very beginning, the pursuit of love. We're lead to believe that love is a chase at the beginning. An image of a man (or woman), adoring a woman (or man) from afar, just waiting to gain her/his affection. Think - "Beauty" by Dru Hill, "I wanna get next to you" Rose Royce, "Silly" Deniece Williams...

After that you have the songs that lead to the please forgive me type - the "pretty infidelity"... "Bad Habits" Maxwell, "As We Lay" Shirley Murdock, "Next Lifetime" Erykah Badu... Can it be that bad if it feels soo good. And can't I be sorry about it even as it's happening. "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right" Right...?

Is it any wonder that we think that love can't just be that? Most of us have experienced this radio version of love. Met a guy or girl, thought they were the one, pursued a relationship, gotten hurt for any number of reasons, tried to work it out, made up just to break up (another song)... and then, if it's really the self-fulfilling prophecy had them realize their wrongs and try to come back into your life...

Sometimes though, you have to take a step back, and realize that it doesn't have to be that way. Loving someone doesn't have involve the word sorry. It really can be easy. An effort that you both want to make... a natural flow without the games we're conditioned to play. You can meet someone, laugh together, miss one another, love one another and express these feelings openly to each other. You can work together through any difficulties that arise. You can bask in their love and feel comfort in the knowledge that they feel the same way about you. You don't have to wonder when it's all going to fall apart. You don't have to create problems where there are none. That's my new prayer, and I'm thankful because I know God is listening.

Worth?

So, my little Pep isn't doing so well and we just learned that she needed surgery that's going to run close to $1,000... Now, if you know what's been going on with me lately, you'll realize I don't have that... but at the same time, I didn't think twice, I scheduled the surgery and will pay the money. Pep is worth it.

Taking a step back, I can imagine going somewhere and someone telling me I needed to spend $1,000 on myself, and me saying "ummm..... is that really necessary.... can I postpone it.... I don't think I can do that right now...." Does that mean I think I'm not worth it?

Perhaps this is an extreme comparison, perhaps not. Although she's a pup and not a child, I feel responsible for her completely, I don't like to see her in pain or uncomfortable as she is now. Consequently, I am willing to do for her, what I'm hesitant to do for myself.

I've always enjoyed seeing people I care about smile when I am able to give. It warms me much more than if I'd done the same gesture for myself. Some people have told me that I need to be a bit more selfish in this respect, but I think I prefer it this way...

I do have a request... if you have a moment, can you send up a quick prayer for my Pepper that she is fine through this surgery. I don't know what I'd do without her at this point.

Merci

very random.. very necessary

I haven't written in a while, and perhaps I've suffered for it. A lot has happened in the last 4 months that's gone virtually undocumented - I've been baptized, gone to Vegas, New Orleans and Houston, secured my own consulting job, been promoted at work, learned yet another lesson or two about love and bought a new car. It's been a season of high highs, and low lows.

Now I'm in a place where there is so much to do and I can't seem to find my way to getting anything done. I know God won't leave me hanging out on a limb, but my motivation is low and I've been praying for some pep in my steps. Part of it is being hurt and depressed about a failed relationship. It's never easy when you care for someone who can't or won't care for you back the way you deserve. I find myself struggling, missing a friend who wasn't always a friend to me, wondering why it turned out the way that it did. Knowing that despite my sadness, he wouldn't have changed, and I couldn't have been happy with that.

As I look ahead to what the future has in store professionally, personally and spiritually. I have 8 months until graduation... then it will be time for me to do something new, probably in someplace new. Now, more than ever, I realize the beauty of being not-busy. I no longer associate being busy with being important - I think I subconsciously used to. Instead of a life full of ladder climbing, power networking and high visibility projects, I prefer a life of meaningful achievements, lasting relationships and PTA meetings.

God is answering my prayers in the way that only he can. So I'm going to keep up these prayers, knowing that although sometimes the answers may hurt, I'll be better for them in the long run. I know that we are brought through experiences and meet people for a reason that isn't always clear. In love, my relationships have taught me well - preparing me for a man that will be everything I want him to be, and in turn I will be able to appreciate and cherish him as he deserves. I know I'm not perfect... but I pray he can accept me in whole, as I am. My experiences have helped me figure out what I want, and what I don't want. What's acceptable and what isn't. I know there is a lot more to learn...

For now, I should probably stop these random musings and focus on getting things finalized for my conference, wrapping up consulting projects and closing out assignments for school... If anyone can help, I would greatly appreciate it.

It's nice to be writing again...

My Judgement Free Journey - Part 1

Being comfortable with my own spiritual journey has not always been easy. My background is unique in that I was exposed to Christianity, Judaism and Islam during my childhood, and it took me a long time to understand what all the differences were between them... still learning.

As a child, I noticed a few things about them all:
- Belief in a higher being
- Principles and morals
- Prayer
- Praise
- Worship and Fellowship

The implementation may have been different, but I saw a lot of similarities. There were good people of all faiths; my friends and family. My parents wanted to leave the door open for me, not pushing me in any particular direction, and I didn't move in one for a long time. I prayed every night - the same prayer my Muslim Aunt taught me when I was a child. I attended a variety of religious functions and I made it my life goal to be a good person. I also made an unspoken decision to be a Christian.

The discussion of religion came up in high school, and a classmate lashed out at me when I said I didn't have a church home or go to church consistently. This was a girl I'd spent time with, gone out with, talked to on a regular basis. That day, in my mind, she did everything but call me a heathen. This event stands out because it was the first time I thought seriously about hypocrisy and judgement. I wondered how a person who I knew to be a sinner on multiple levels could so vocally cast a stone in my direction because I didn't go to church and she did. I was hurt, and I didn't understand. At the time I don't remember if I confided in anyone, but I do know I withdrew and was hesitant to engage in conversations about religion with others...

In college I experienced more spiritual growing pains. I dated a guy who was a Christian, and he asked me to read the bible with him, and come to church with him one particular day. We read, but I was defensive, afraid he would judge me as religiously ignorant and I pulled away. I could feel a rift begin and was sad because I didn't know how to fix it. I began reading verses randomly. I received a "Possibility Thinkers" bible that I still use today and would look up specific words I wanted to learn more about. I even started sharing verses with the guy when he'd do something "wrong" (improper I know). I also began visiting churches in college. Mt. Ararat, another small church in Shadyside and a few others before settling in at Macedonia. I was moved by the services there and felt at home until I graduated. This was also the first time I know I consciously, knowingly and with full desire confessed aloud that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior...

To be continued.

Take it in...

I walked Pepper tonight and was met with thick, warm air and a gentle breeze. I looked over the roofs of the houses and saw God's thumbnail surrounded by stars. I took in a deep breath and momentarily closed my eyes.

I wanted to sit out side and marvel at God's greatness. I felt like being one with the night. The humidity produced by the pending storms gave me a feeling of fullness. The more I inhaled, the more I relaxed. I came inside and asked my mom to come to the park with me. I wanted to see the moon and our balcony didn't face the"right" way. She was reluctant but agreed... unfortunately we didn't find a good place to park and sit, and she let me know about it. Slightly unnerved but determined, I decided the balcony would be better than nothing.

I sat in the chair, leaned my head against the backrest, and lifted my feet over the rail. It was cooler in the back, facing the woods. It was a cloudy night, but when I sat, I saw the opening above me. The beautiful lights twinkling between the clouds. I turned on my iPod, listening to Sade and stared. I think I've watched the clouds before but this felt different. It was beautiful... I could clearly see the Little Dipper which made me smile. As the clouds moved across the sky, I closed my eyes and immediately became aware of the wind. It cooled my cheeks as it caressed my face. I felt my eyes well and the tickle as a single tear rolled down my cheek. There was a new song playing..

If I can see it... then I can do it... If I just believe it... there's nothing to it... I love this song. Somehow sitting beneath the sky, feeling the night air, eyes closed, I could visualize the future I wanted. I actually saw my children playing in the backyard with their father. I could see my husband holding my hand as we walked down the street. I saw myself working on a project for my own business with my mom. I could see my dad hugging his grandson... I opened my eyes and the sky was again clear.

I took the chair back inside and shut the blinds.

...

My feelings are hurt...

That sums it all up in four words. I don't really want to talk about it. I have something pent up inside, and I can't share it, and I can't write about it. All I can do is feel it. It's a really lonely place to be. I don't like it, and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I don't know how to fix it... it isn't mine to fix...

I prayed about it last night. I woke up and I didn't feel better. Does that mean I didn't really let it go? Probably. I don't want any parts of this. All I really want is a hug and someone to say it'll be ok. And mean it...

Misc. -- psychology of men and women

Business School has been an enlightening and empowering experience. I can honestly say I've learned more than I imagined already, and I have every confidence that when I graduate, It will be worth every penny (and trust me, their are millions of pennies).

This semester I'm taking an Entrepreneurship course and I'm so excited. It's my dream to be a successful entrepreneur. On the first day, the teacher made all 51 of us say our name, explain our interest in the course, and describe any related experiences. As I listened, I noticed the trends. The men in the class spoke about working with various start-ups, in some cases starting their own businesses. The men who hadn't were very cool and collected about there reasons for taking the class, insinuating that they wanted the professor to prove the validity of entrepreneurship.

The women were different. Almost all began with "Well, I really don't have any entrepreneurial experience..." followed by either stories of odd jobs here and there at childhood or just being curious about how feasible life as a business owner would be.

The next tell-tale sign was a pitch assignment. About 23 people got up and gave a 75 second pitch for a business they were interested in starting. Again, the differences were stark. Women came to the front with traditional business ideas. The ones that required a lot of time, labor and money to get started. They ranged from Spa's to Bakery's to Services where the owner had to plan and execute repeatedly to get paid. One presentation, a pair of women, had an idea that could take off and go beyond their physical capabilities. I like to think my idea had legs as well. Only 6 women presented, including myself.

By and large the men shared idea's that required up front planning and capital, but could grow beyond their efforts. I won't get into sharing their brilliance but trust me when I say that their ideas were not restricted to the number of hours they could work.

Listening more, I heard stories of men in the class meeting with professors to discuss various ideas and initiatives, entering case competitions and pitching businesses. No such stories from the women.

I started thinking again...

We (men and women) are admitted to grad school with essentially equivalent GMAT scores, undergrad grades, work experiences... and yet, our approaches to grad school have been very different. I'm not one to talk in generalities, but it seems like men and women just think and work on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Women are focusing on the educational experience. The classwork. Men are making connections, building their networking and setting their eyes on long-term profits. Up until this winter, I've only thought about talking to a professor about my ideas. I didn't want to appear to be a kiss-up during the semester, and then I just wouldn't pursue it afterwards. I was a little green that my male classmates, who I don't think are any more capable or creative, had the gumption to do what it's taken me a lot longer to even try, semesters ago.

I got home from class today and turned on the news... Another bailed out company, Wells Fargo, was planning something extravagant. This time it would be junkets in Vegas at the Wynn and Encore luxury hotels for 12 days. This was to be a "reward" to their hard working "employees". Apparently the outrage was enough to make them cancel their plans.

My mother said, "A woman would never have done that in this economy after taking $25M from the government.." I smiled.

I guess it works both ways.

How much does it cost to be a part of history...

You know the answer, but please allow me some space to share...

After struggling to find my way from North West DC to South East DC without actually going through the city, I arrived at my home for the night about 9:00pm on January 19, 2009. TP2 and 3 friends were waiting, and we immediately hopped in the car for a CVS run.

12 P's

We had to be prepared for what lay ahead. There was a list. Finger Warmers (sold out), UNO Cards ($10), Deck of Cards ($2.37), 9-V batteries ($8.99), Chips, mini-water bottles... you get the picture.

I was hungry so we stopped at a few places trying to find chicken (one place ran out) and then headed home. Once there, we were on a mission. It' was after 10:30pm and four women needed to get eat, clothes together, shower, make sandwiches, pack snacks and get some sleep. Mission accomplished by 12:15am. Alarm was set for 3:30am. It was all very mechanical.

Rise and Shine!

None of us had trouble waking up. We dressed, got the food and were out the door. Anacostia Metro was quiet. We were hopeful - did we beat the crowds? It was just after 4am. We arrived at L'Enfant Plaza Metro station about 4:30. That's when it became real.

Thousands of people bottled up at exit gates. Obama hats, scarfs and jackets. Flashes every second. Security. Inauguration day.

Outside there were tens of thousands... ok, probably hundreds of thousands even at that time. The US Capital off in the distance, glowing. Navy sky as a backdrop for a sea of people moving, smiling, running, standing in awe.

We moved quickly, arriving at the front of the Mall packed like sardines.

5:00am

The singing began. Lift Every Voice and Sing... Lean on Me.... someone even started Amazing Grace. Many people joined in. Then the birthdays. Can you imagine sharing your birthday with President Obama's Inauguration?

President Obama....

The jumbo trons began broadcasting the free concert on Sunday some hours later after sunrise. Beautiful. We sung and danced along. The feeling in the air was festive and anxious. We had our flags, we had each other, we were ready.

We saw the cars rolling in. Chevy's. Good Marketing. I noticed, but it could be the e-Service class I just took. Then the Caddy's. It was then that we knew we were only moments away. The program was very nice. Aretha Franklin - she was magical live. It was the first time a tear dropped. Melia and Sasha... can two little girls be more adorable - apparently Rick Warren didn't think so.

The musical selection that made me wish I still played the cello. Our first Lady Michelle looking very warm in a skirt and sheers. The 39th, 41st, and 42nd Presidents greeting and being ushered in. The final farewell to W. Then we see him walking down the hall. Those who were seated, stood. Those standing rose to their tip-toes. There he was.

We yelled in excitement and waved our flags. The Oaths... it became final. Another tear (or two). Then the speech.

After I got home I watched commentary on a few different channels. They thought it was a risky speech because it wasn't inspirational. What they fail to realize, still, is that we are ALREADY inspired. He has given us hope and made us dream for the last two years. His last few speeches have been designed to give us a blueprint for how to reach them, together.

I didn't mention it before, but it was bitterly cold and sometimes windy. I think it was 13 degrees when we got there. The ground was frozen and after a few hours, my toes were in trouble. Thank goodness for extra toe warmers and newspaper. Everyone wearing gloves had their fingers balled into fists. We were thankful for the crowds to block the wind. Then there were the pushy people, jockeying for position. Even then, it was all smiles and jokes. Walking away I felt my sore back and hips. We walked a few miles to get to the Navy Yard Metro Station. On that walk, we were joined by people of all ages, races and genders. Most of us were walking a little funny, but we were still smiling and thankful.

As I type this blog, I realize it isn't very eloquent. I'm just kind of jotting things, and it's a bit jumpy. Please forgive me, I am completely beat, but I have no regrets. To answer my question - being a part of history.... Priceless.

Senseless....

Sometimes I choose not to watch the news.

Plagued by deceit, destruction and death, it isn't something I can stomach every day. Since the year started, I've been getting my news sporadically, some of it has been good, and some of it bad. Israel is bombing the Gaza Strip, killing hundreds of civilians in the process. Sasha and Malia go off to their new school...

Two nights ago was the start of it.

A 65 year old man critically injured in a hit and run accident is still fighting for his life, three weeks later. His son is speaking out. You can see his pain. Willie McCargo was on his way to get a haircut for his nephew’s funeral. A 14 year old boy gunned down while delivering fruit to an elderly neighbor. How much tragedy can one family have to face, I wonder. Mr. McCargo had tire tracks on his shirt. "An animal deserves more respect than my father was given.." says his son. The police don't have any leads... (http://www.wbaltv.com/news/18428540/detail.html?rss=bal&psp=news)

Today, a facebook friend asked if I was attending the funeral of someone that went to my high school. I asked how he died... shot. I did a quick search.

"Family of Baltimore's First Murder Victim Speaks"

Mario Williams, 31, is killed while escorting a drunk patron out of Rumors Bar & Grill, an establishment in East Baltimore that he bought with his girlfriend a year ago. They were celebrating one year in a community which they'd already begun to support by holding back-to-school drives, toy drives, and giving away turkeys for the holidays. Apparently, a member of the community took it upon themselves to say thank you with a bullet to the back of the head. (http://www.abc2news.com/news/local/story/mario-williams-murder-east-baltimore-rumors-1s/aeaIPVASW0-d1tMsceaidQ.cspx?rss=702)

I left local news and went national. The big story is the Oakland police shooting and the riots. In the age of cell phone cameras and streaming video... you would think...
I had to see for myself. Could it be? A cop shoots a man laying face down in a subway station in front of dozens of witnesses... There's something else to the story right... no. Not really. Oscar Grant was murdered on New Year's morning. 22 year old Oscar Grant, member of Palma Ceia Baptist Church since a child, choir member, part of the church's Royal Ambassador Program, protective younger brother, proud father.. shot in the back while another officer's knee was nestled in his neck. This isn't just an allegation. There's clear video. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idJAr6NUy3E&feature=related). A week later, no charges have been filed and the officer has resigned.

Yes, I’m angry. And hurt.

Black on Black...

Police involved Shootings

In my circle of friends we wonder aloud. "What's wrong with people?" It's a way of life we think we're removed from... this is what happens when life is given little regard. No value. The question is, can you ever truly be removed from it? You're educated, have a career, friends, maybe more. But you also want to go out, have a nice time. Be social. Baltimore's almost in double digit murders and it's only the 8th day of January.

In 12 days, the first black president will be sworn into office. So many of us have such high hopes. I'm not at all saying that things won't change. I do believe that our society will improve. But there is a state of mind that needs to change first. A sense of pride needs to be born (or reborn) into a portion of people that have lost it. We have more than enough history to learn from and build on. We have to be better, but to get better we must see the value in ourselves and our fellow man.

There has got to be a way...

Rise and Shine for 2009

As this is the first blog of the New Year, I was hoping to come up with something insightful and thought provoking. Often times, blogs of that nature are born of hurt, agony or disappointment. I made a personal vow to leave as much of these ill feelings in 2008, and to be honest, I think I can do it.

2008 was a difficult year. There was a point when I'd lost a lot of myself. I was surrounded with negative energy, and I allowed negative thoughts to take over my days. I wasn't happy. My mother has always said that I have the ability to change my frame of mind, my outlook. I just have to make the decision to do it. Well, I started the process of purging those people and things that were not adding value to my life, and that made a tremendous difference. I then took a look at myself, and my life, and made some decisions and commitments to the things that I want.

I have faith that 2009 is going to be a special year. I mean, already PITT has earned a #1 ranking in both polls for the first time in 101 seasons and the Ravens are winning playoff games! Seriously though (even though that was pretty serious), I still feel that God has wonderful things in store for me. Professionally I have grand ideas I think are actionable... I will finally get a business going. I'm re-bonding with my cousins and my brother... To my surprise and delight, I'm going to be an aunt! My father is expressing himself and our relationship is flourishing. My mother and I are coexisting and still remain as close as ever. I'm blessed with great friends and a supportive family. I have a significant other that I think is wonderful...

We all know the sayings about life.

- Life is short
- Life is what you make it
- Life is like a box of chocolates

As easy as it is to laugh it off and push it aside to focus on the serious matters of paying bills, waking up for work and handling our obligations... life IS short. It IS what we make it, and it's true, you never know what you're going to get.

I want to live the best life that I can. I have aspirations and I want to see them take shape. I'm full of love and I want to share it. I plan to LIVE. I hope you do too.