It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas....

or is it....

I've tried to write this blog three times now and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to write it. It's the holiday season, my favorite time of the year, and yet as I look around, people aren't in the spirit.

There are a lot of reasons... and many are good ones.

People are experiencing difficult, life changing events and it's hard to be upbeat. I understand. I've always looked at the holidays as a time to be grateful and to show appreciation. To love and be loved. To give and be open to receive. When people and things are taken away from us, it is especially difficult to do these things. We spend time trying to deal with our feelings, and understand our losses. Often times we try to shoulder the burden alone.

This year I'm compelled to give more with fewer resources. To do more with less time. I've tried to be thoughtful and to show those I care about how much they mean to me. I'm hoping that the little tokens I've been able to (and will be) sharing will at least bring a smile to their faces and a little warmth to their hearts. Hopefully that paired with my prayers will make a difference.

Freedom

It's amazing the way you feel when you free yourself from the expectations of others, the unreasonable expectations you have for yourself and just allow yourself to do the things that you have been directed to do by God, and the things that you know are in your best health, happiness and spiritual interests. I'm just talking the little things.

You feel much lighter.

Your spirit begins to smile again.

Sometimes it takes being completely honest with yourself. Taking a long look at who you are, acknowledging your flaws and accepting your beauty. Sometimes it takes being vulnerable and opening yourself up criticism. Sometimes its allowing yourself to believe the compliments of others are spoken with sincerity. Sometimes...

There's a full moon out tonight. I've always loved looking at a full moon. It sits up there in stark contrast to it's surroundings. So bright and bold. I could stare at it forever, watching the clouds pass it over until the sun rises.

Have you ever felt a blessing coming... A series of things happen, and you just know you are a moment away from a tremendous blessing. It's almost overwhelming to imagine what's in store for you and those you love. I've felt chills (and not just because I had no heat in the office today), I've felt like I've been wrapped in a warm embrace. My eyes have welled more than once in the joy of anticipation. I'm excited...

I just wanted to share it

Random.... very.

Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they were about to start crying?

At first, nothing happens...
you look at them and they look back at you.

Then the surface of the eye gets a slight shine.
A thin clear coating.
The lower lid begins to collect the fluid. A thin brim lining better than any MAC product...
except it's transparent.

Nothing falls.
Staring intently you can see the liquid pooling in the corners, not a lot... just a little. Then it becomes hard to see.
They resist the urge but blink anyway. Then it's clear again.

There is time before the first tear falls, so take a moment and look over how the rest of the face is reacting. The nose has a slight sheen, perspiration no doubt, but you can imagine they aren't feeling warm. Cheeks slightly discolored.. in this case a flush. The skin directly under the eyes were swelling and growing darker. Mouth held tightly, undoubtedly trying to maintain control. Then back to the eyes. The pupils are changing in size as you move in to take a closer look. This close you can see the random flecks of color in the iris. It's actually quite beautiful. The last blink seemed to make the lashes dewy. A couple were stuck together but for the most part you wouldn't notice unless you were this close....

I never saw the tear actually fall. Perhaps because I was looking it couldn't...

I didn't feel very good last night. There was no tangible reason. Nothing happened during the day to upset me. I just felt unhappy. I felt like I was going to cry. I think I wanted to, so I stood in the mirror and I waited. As I waited I looked myself over and wonder why I wasn't satisfied. Why was I so critical of myself. Even of those I care about, but nothing is quite like the self criticism.

As I looked, I saw the physical imperfections that have bothered me over the years. I wondered why these traits overpowered my view when I looked in the mirror. In the past, I allowed myself to give a lot of credit to anyone who pointed it out, but no... it's my doing. If anyone else were to point out similar things in themselves, I would tell them "it's your uniqueness that makes you beautiful..." I haven't internalized that for myself.

I left the mirror and sat on the bed. I wanted to sleep but there was a paper to write. I moved to the chair, sat down, and reviewed the 6 pages of notes I'd take to write a 2 page paper. I went through the case reading multiple times. I reworded, rephrased, removed ideas and concepts...

I'm a perfectionist and I look at everything through extremely critical eyes. I'm hard on my work, myself... perhaps those closest to me in my family. Even now as I write, this entire blog seems kind of harsh. I believe in honesty and continuous improvement. I hold myself to these standards... perhaps sadness comes at the realization that I'm not perfect and I won't be because there is no such thing.

I know that I'm "perfect as I am" but again, I don't quite buy that deep down. I know I can be better. I can be kinder, more helpful, more knowledgeable, more spiritual, more pleasant... I can make better grades, better programs, better decisions... I can treat myself and others better.. This is my drive. I can see it's a cycle though...

*sigh*

Starting my resolutions a month early...

It's December and the New Year is upon us. I find that the New Year is a time when lots of people say things that they don't really mean or aren't that motivated to do and call them resolutions:

- This is the year I'm going to exercise regularly and eat right
- I'm going to do better at work so I can be promoted
- I'm going to show my spouse I appreciate them more
- I'm going to travel the world!

I've never really been one for making resolutions, but this year I have to make an exception. It hit me Monday, December 1st, that I had the opportunity to set my resolutions now (they say it takes 21 -30 days to form a habit), so I can carry them through 2009. I was really excited about the prospect of making real change in my life, and I wanted it to be meaningful. I'd planned to write about personal reflection last week, but instead I think it makes since to think about my 2009 resolutions with respect to myself and what I want to change in my life.

What I'm hoping is that by blogging my resolutions, I am creating accountability for myself. I'm hoping some of you will call me to task if I slip. This is my way of being open and somewhat vulnerable (novel right)... Anyway, here we go:


Personal Reflection 1:

I'm good when I'm good and bad when I'm bad. At my best, I'm fun-seeking and loving, I'm productive, I beam with joy, I'm healthy, some might say I'm pretty awesome and I can make others smile. At my worst I'm grumpy, aloof, cold, sharp-tongued and can make others unhappy. My mood fluctuates more than I like; they are more impacted by people and situations that I really care about or how I happen to feel about myself on a particular day.

Some of this is because I need to be centered. When I feel unsettled, I tend to be more sensitive. Some of this is self-doubt. Some of this is a lack of creative and physical outlets. Some of this is due to having relationships with people that don't add value to my life. Everyone's heard that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. At times I think I try to convert Reasons into Seasons, and Season's into Lifetimes.

Personal Reflection 2:

Part of my feeling unsettled is self-inflicted. I've chosen not to get comfortable with things like my job(s) and living arrangements. As a result, I don't fully accept being "there", I hold things back, I never make the spaces my own and I'm somewhat disorganized. Settled looks a certain way to me. It was the career that I enjoyed and paid well. It was the family and the house that I bought with my husband. It meant I was where I would be for a significant period of time.

I'm not sure when that happened. In high school I loved my job at Baskin Robbins and didn't hold back anything. I was rewarded with customer tips and increased responsibilities at a really young age. In college I painted designs on the walls of my dorm room, even though I knew I'd have to repaint them white every April. I had pictures everywhere, a small rug, and lot's of little things that screamed Lanie! In Rochester I went through periods of doing this, and back in Baltimore it's been slim to none.

Personal Reflection 3:

As important as relationships and communication are to me in theory, I still don't consider myself that good in practice. I love my family, they mean so much to me, but I don't necessarily show them or communicate that as much as I should. I've said in the past that they could reach out too, but I recognize if it's something I want, then it's something I must do. The same goes with friends, and sorors. I'm not a big phone person which limits some potential friendships, and even though I'm compassionate, I'm not always thoughtful. My brain doesn't naturally keep details about what's going on in peoples lives and remind me to ask about them later. Someone can talk to me for 15 minutes about something important to them, and while I give feedback and support at the time, the next day or week, I don't think to ask. I'll either remember way late, or hear someone else ask, and then I feel like an arse.

Personal Reflection 4:

I ignore some of the basics that a woman like me probably needs to embrace. I'm not the neatest, I don't cook regularly, I don't consistently partake in hobbies or hang with girlfriends and I don't pay that much attention to how I look on any particular day. Why would a "woman like me" want to embrace these things? Because one day I'd like to get married, and as much as a lot of us single ladies hate to admit it, they're important.

Yeah I can clean... but it's not my favorite thing, and I tend to take a long time so called "doing it right." Yeah I can cook... no really, I can, but I usually don't opting for something quick or letting my mom do the cooking. Yes, there are things I love to do; play sports, paint, write, dance.. but I haven't gotten back to do any of those things regularly. Girlfriends are important. I'll leave it at that. And how you look is important. I use lack of time as an excuse for not doing all of these things, and for what I want, that's really unacceptable.

Personal Reflection 5:

KNOW GOD. I'd leave it there with a "nuff said," but just to elaborate, I do have a relationship with God, but I need and want it to be much stronger. It's the key to having success in dealing with anything I've already mentioned and everything that I haven't.

- - -

Resolution 1:

I will take part in some type of physical activity each week (hit the gym, go out dancing, join a sports league.. something!)

Resolution 2:

I will do something creative once a month (paint and finish a picture, read a book, sew something I designed etc)

Resolution 3:

I will separate myself from people and situations that don't bring out the best in me ("Reasons and Seasons" past their time, doing things that aren't really necessary that don't make me happy, etc)

Resolution 4:

I will decorate my office and my room in a way that reflects me by February.

Resolution 5:

I will use my Franklin Covey daily to account for work schedules and information, design standard templates for myself at work, and use them.

Resolution 6:

I will add birthdays and schedule calls and visits with family and friends in my Franklin Covey and stick to it! If necessary, I will also record key notes to follow up on. (sounds contrived, but I have to start somewhere)

Resolution 7:

I will effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad, with controlled emotion and understanding of the perspective of others.

Resolution 8:

I will domesticate myself (to a degree). I will cook at least one dinner meal per week with a goal of 2 per week by June 2009 and 3 per week by December 2009. (Sounds easy but class twice a week until 10pm is serious) Serious house cleaning will be done once per month with daily and weekly upkeep (unprompted by guests) as appropriate (laundry, bathrooms, dishes etc)

Resolution 9:

I will pull out what I'm wearing the night before, and take the time to notice the details each day.

Resolution 10:

Spiritual Growth: Find a church home by February 2009 that really is a good fit. Identify and embrace spiritual mentors and interact with them at least on a weekly basis. Testify.

- - -

It's a little overwhelming, but into the 3rd day of December, I've already started working on some of my resolutions. Some of them will definitely put me to the test, but I have faith that I can do what I've set out to do. Wish me luck and support is always welcomed.