There are some pains that no one else can understand... pains that you alone feel.
Losing a child... losing a spouse... losing a sibling... losing a parent. Even if you've experienced a loss like this, it is very difficult to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is enduring that pain now.
Someone I care about deeply lost their mother yesterday. I cannot begin to feel that pain. I felt utter sadness and helplessness. I was there to help with logistics, to hug and hold, to listen... but I know it wasn't enough. There wasn't anything I could really do... there was no "better".
When I was alone, I got on my knees and I prayed. I asked God to provide comfort, to wrap him in his arms and help him find peace. I asked God to give him strength, and to help shoulder the burden that would be placed at home. I prayed that I would serve as a support, and that I would only say and do things that would provide comfort. I also prayed that God would allow the connection between mother and child to remain beyond life here... They were so close.
I then went back, and we prayed together. I felt like my words were shallow... but I hoped that they were received in the way I intended...
Thanksgiving is this week. It's the time when we make a concerted effort to thank God for our blessings, our loved ones... We are more aware of our joys and pains. I'll continue to pray for him and his family, and that I can be a useful support... I will also pray that God work on me to be a better friend, (grand)daughter, sister, cousin, classmate, employee, American, person...
I know he has wonderful memories with his mother that he can hold now. I know she is proud of the man she raised. I know he admired her more than anyone. I know she will always be with him. Please make sure that you let those you love know it. Time is not promised to any of us, we must do our best with the time we've been given.
I wish I had more words...
just more...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Comparing and contrasting former "loves"
I was talking to a relatively new friend of mine last week and he (being a tad bit nosy) asked what was different between my current significant other and the last bloke. If you know me well, you know that my last relationship was, in a word, bad... so it shouldn't be surprising that the new guy has a few things up on the old. His question made me do some reflection though, going back to my first boyfriend, on what the subsequent guy possessed (or didn't).
I haven't had a lot of titled "boyfriends," and actually some of the relationships I've considered most substantial went unlabeled. This compare/contrast concept is actually interesting. For example:
BF 1 to Unlabeled 1
My high school sweetheart and I got along well. He treated me wonderfully, and I never questioned him or his feelings. He was my first love, we were just young. After we broke up, I fell hard for a guy who's feelings I had to question constantly, and who didn't treat me that well. I tried to wait him out, but in the end I got tired of waiting and there wasn't anything he could do to change my mind. He did try though and it's actually one of the things I admire most about him now.
Unlabeled 2 to BF 2 to BF 3
After college, I dated a guy I had a big crush on while I was in school. We re-met a few years later, became friends and eventually began dating. He was what you might describe as the total package, but what I liked best was I could be myself, what I perceived to be my best self around him and he accepted me for me. I knew he was a commitment-phobe and so I never pushed for an official relationship, I just enjoyed his company. It ended on what's best described as a technicality, but we are still friends.
The boyfriend that followed was different from guys I dated before and could best be described as "simple". Nice looking guy, but kind of sheltered and not the sharpest. He was well meaning and tried really hard to be pleasing (too hard), but couldn't hold a conversation about anything outside his realm. Anything but a commitment-phobe, this guy was ready to propose after 6 months, and our relationship ended because it shouldn't have started.
The boyfriend after that was very sharp and we could always talk, but he lacked a sense of humor, passion and a number of other things. I knew him for over half my life, so my expectations were high but the experience was beyond disappointing.
Over the last 10+ years of my dating life, it does look like I have been attracted to people that were fundamentally different from their predecessor, and not always in a good way. Some people stick to a particular type of person - looks, temperament, intelligence... I seem to have gone the opposite direction. If you do an evaluation of your past loves, what do you come up with?
Is there a particular person that you use as a standard for anyone else that you date? If so, why aren't you with that person?
I haven't had a lot of titled "boyfriends," and actually some of the relationships I've considered most substantial went unlabeled. This compare/contrast concept is actually interesting. For example:
BF 1 to Unlabeled 1
My high school sweetheart and I got along well. He treated me wonderfully, and I never questioned him or his feelings. He was my first love, we were just young. After we broke up, I fell hard for a guy who's feelings I had to question constantly, and who didn't treat me that well. I tried to wait him out, but in the end I got tired of waiting and there wasn't anything he could do to change my mind. He did try though and it's actually one of the things I admire most about him now.
Unlabeled 2 to BF 2 to BF 3
After college, I dated a guy I had a big crush on while I was in school. We re-met a few years later, became friends and eventually began dating. He was what you might describe as the total package, but what I liked best was I could be myself, what I perceived to be my best self around him and he accepted me for me. I knew he was a commitment-phobe and so I never pushed for an official relationship, I just enjoyed his company. It ended on what's best described as a technicality, but we are still friends.
The boyfriend that followed was different from guys I dated before and could best be described as "simple". Nice looking guy, but kind of sheltered and not the sharpest. He was well meaning and tried really hard to be pleasing (too hard), but couldn't hold a conversation about anything outside his realm. Anything but a commitment-phobe, this guy was ready to propose after 6 months, and our relationship ended because it shouldn't have started.
The boyfriend after that was very sharp and we could always talk, but he lacked a sense of humor, passion and a number of other things. I knew him for over half my life, so my expectations were high but the experience was beyond disappointing.
Over the last 10+ years of my dating life, it does look like I have been attracted to people that were fundamentally different from their predecessor, and not always in a good way. Some people stick to a particular type of person - looks, temperament, intelligence... I seem to have gone the opposite direction. If you do an evaluation of your past loves, what do you come up with?
Is there a particular person that you use as a standard for anyone else that you date? If so, why aren't you with that person?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
ABWS Re-visted... The other side of the Morning After
Many of you read my post last month about the Accomplished Black Woman - Syndrome (ABW, ABWS). Many of you commented either privately or publicly (which I appreciate tremendously). A friend of mine recently read the post and wanted to add his $19.06 cents to the mix. This was done in email, and while I've agreed to keep his identity anonymous, I must share.
- - -
FROM: ANONYMOUS
It's funny how I love the word theoretical. It actually suggests no proven base or facts. Just a fancy ass way of saying opinion, which like an asshole…everyone has one. Now I personally like fancy. I like fancy women with fancy jobs that use fancy words and acronyms to make shit seem more important that what it actually is. I guess I support ABW'S. Not to be confused with the other ABWS (Another Black Women Sobbing) Let me explain (*turning on the NE-YO and Jamie Foxx)…and this is more than just a theory. It's almost fact.
Traditionally men have been the providers while women were the nurturers. Men brought home the bacon and the women cooked it. There was this little thing called suffrage and gender equity and before you knew it, women were sitting at the table with the big dogs. And I personally am a fan. But that's not the problem…. The real issue lies in the definition of what you call accomplished. Or let me rephrase…accomplished black women doesn't always equate to good black women. Yeah I said it…
Having a good job, home, car, 401k, all that jazz might associate to you being a good catch on paper, but lets face it. If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault. While I will remain anonymous, if you know me then you know there is nothing more I want to be that a stay at home dad. Not a lazy negro on the couch, but a responsible father who is there for his children. I support the career minded women who are making strides and betting herself and still want a family. If these self called ABW's are having a hard time securing a mate for the future, then maybe…just maybe…its not about you being accomplished, but how your accomplished ass acts. Darwin or whoever tells us that a man is going to be a man and a woman is going to be a woman. You cant shake these undeniable facts of our genotype. We have an instinct to be providers, and what happens is you scream equal but get mad when we put you on the equal playing field. You cant ask for a little, it all comes with it. If you want a brotha to open the door for you and such, don't make claims and act like you can do it yourself. Confidence exudes through pores like pheromones, and we can tell when women have it. Not a bad thing…I'm just saying…be aware that acting like you don't need a man but for dick…well…that's all you might get. Dick.
Before I go, I'll take some questions. You in the front row…
Q: Are you intimidated by the success of the ABW?
A: Ummm…not at all. I love a woman who can get her own. It's less I have to buy. We can focus on more intimacy issues than what I bought you for valentines day.
Q: Are they resentful that the ABW doesn't "need" you?
A: I wouldn't want a women to "need" me for anything. That's not how you survive in this world. And for the record, unless she likes girls. she 's going to need me or one of my kind eventually.
Q: Do you see the ABW as more of a peer that doesn't require the same time, attention and affection as a woman that wants to be spoiled?
A: All women want to be spoiled. All women want a ring. No exceptions. Next question.
If I offended anyone, my deepest and sincerest apologies. I meant no malice. I respect a woman who has the balls for lack of a better word to stand up for herself and be independent. But then again…who wants a woman with balls.
- - -
I won't say much, but I will add two comments of note.
- - -
FROM: ANONYMOUS
It's funny how I love the word theoretical. It actually suggests no proven base or facts. Just a fancy ass way of saying opinion, which like an asshole…everyone has one. Now I personally like fancy. I like fancy women with fancy jobs that use fancy words and acronyms to make shit seem more important that what it actually is. I guess I support ABW'S. Not to be confused with the other ABWS (Another Black Women Sobbing) Let me explain (*turning on the NE-YO and Jamie Foxx)…and this is more than just a theory. It's almost fact.
Traditionally men have been the providers while women were the nurturers. Men brought home the bacon and the women cooked it. There was this little thing called suffrage and gender equity and before you knew it, women were sitting at the table with the big dogs. And I personally am a fan. But that's not the problem…. The real issue lies in the definition of what you call accomplished. Or let me rephrase…accomplished black women doesn't always equate to good black women. Yeah I said it…
Having a good job, home, car, 401k, all that jazz might associate to you being a good catch on paper, but lets face it. If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault. While I will remain anonymous, if you know me then you know there is nothing more I want to be that a stay at home dad. Not a lazy negro on the couch, but a responsible father who is there for his children. I support the career minded women who are making strides and betting herself and still want a family. If these self called ABW's are having a hard time securing a mate for the future, then maybe…just maybe…its not about you being accomplished, but how your accomplished ass acts. Darwin or whoever tells us that a man is going to be a man and a woman is going to be a woman. You cant shake these undeniable facts of our genotype. We have an instinct to be providers, and what happens is you scream equal but get mad when we put you on the equal playing field. You cant ask for a little, it all comes with it. If you want a brotha to open the door for you and such, don't make claims and act like you can do it yourself. Confidence exudes through pores like pheromones, and we can tell when women have it. Not a bad thing…I'm just saying…be aware that acting like you don't need a man but for dick…well…that's all you might get. Dick.
Before I go, I'll take some questions. You in the front row…
Q: Are you intimidated by the success of the ABW?
A: Ummm…not at all. I love a woman who can get her own. It's less I have to buy. We can focus on more intimacy issues than what I bought you for valentines day.
Q: Are they resentful that the ABW doesn't "need" you?
A: I wouldn't want a women to "need" me for anything. That's not how you survive in this world. And for the record, unless she likes girls. she 's going to need me or one of my kind eventually.
Q: Do you see the ABW as more of a peer that doesn't require the same time, attention and affection as a woman that wants to be spoiled?
A: All women want to be spoiled. All women want a ring. No exceptions. Next question.
If I offended anyone, my deepest and sincerest apologies. I meant no malice. I respect a woman who has the balls for lack of a better word to stand up for herself and be independent. But then again…who wants a woman with balls.
- - -
I won't say much, but I will add two comments of note.
- The Behavior of an ABW: In the original post, I did cite a difference between the Accomplished Black Woman (ABW) and the Accomplished Black B* (ABB, rhymes with witch you put it together). The men that have responded seemed to have overlooked this. The ABW I refer to wouldn't be classified as this latter category . None of us claim we don't need a man for anything except, you know. We often do thoughtful things that come with and without a price tag for the man in our life. I consider myself to be and ABW and I don't think any of those that have responded would say I behave in the way described above, or fall into the ABB category. So, let's move on...
- The ABW's Hero and SHEro: One of the most unspoken truths about Barack Obama is that he openly and often professes his love and admiration for his ABW - Michelle. She is awesome, by any standard. The Epitome of the Accomplished Black Woman. A role model to me, and countless others... But do you see the way he looks at her? There is nothing resembling the tone of the above statement. No cynicism, no indignation. He has an appreciation for the woman he won (and yes, he had to fight for her). But he was confident enough in himself, and interested enough in her to face any challenge she put forth. Now, there are few people who would question her support and unwavering love for him. When he won the election, and gave praise to her - his best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of the family, the love of his life - women, ABW's around the world shouted and cried for joy. I was out and it was, by far, the point that received the loudest reaction from the crowd. Why, do you ask? Because, it just isn't every day that you encounter a man, a woman, a relationship, a marriage like that. Michelle was almost 30 when they were married... do you still stand by your sugar coated indictment, "If you damn near 30 and single….it might not be our fault," anonymous? Maybe, just maybe, my post offered more than just a "fancy ass way of [giving my] opinion."
Actually, I must thank you Anonymous, for allowing me the opportunity.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The Morning After...
Last night I went to sleep, unable to keep my eyes open any longer, unable to listen to the radio or tv shows... I slept so hard. There were no dreams, just sleep. I rested. I woke up to Donnie Simpson's radio show talking about how proud they were. I hadn't forgotten, but I got warm again. My eyes watered and I smiled.
The world has been watching our country for a long time know, wondering if America could and would see beyond color and elect an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, open-minded, influential, spiritual and driven man to its highest office. The world celebrated with so many of us late into the night and morning.
I did several things I've never done before during this campaign. I talked about my views clearly and without reservation to any and everyone. I donated money on multiple occasions. I stood in line for hours to see him speak in person. I volunteered at a campaign headquarters. I didn't stay in the house to watch history, I went out and watched among a large extended family, united in a meaningful way. I cried and hugged strangers. I drove home honking through the streets with hundreds of other people doing the same. I felt full with the appreciation of what just occurred. What makes it even sweeter is I was able to share the moment with so many people I love and care for as well.
This represents so much, means so much to me. Sometimes I feel like I've been born into the wrong generation. I often prefer the music of the 60's to what I hear today. I'm extraordinarily content with people 30-40 years my senior. I have always been so heartbroken by the struggle that my people went through in this country, from slavery to Jim Crow, to the Civil Rights movement... Books, pictures, articles and movies I've seen have been burned into my soul and I can't forget. I am and have been motivated to "do something", anything to make a difference. I am sometimes guilty as referring to young people today (my generation and younger) as being apathetic. As a lost group that doesn't care about our history, or improving the lives of others. I have been saddened to learn that friends and associates of mine didn't vote during the Bush elections, even in Pennsylvania, a critical state. I have been angered by crass comments made about things I've considered real issues. This campaign has given me a reason not to be so critical. Sometimes it takes something strong to break through apathy and energize a people. A force so positive and true, that it cannot be denied. I'm so proud of my generation today. We stood in line for hours together, we donated hundreds and thousands of dollars, we made calls and canvassed, we celebrated peacefully together.
There is no pill that can be taken to erase what has happened in the last 24 hours. Many people do not feel the way I feel this morning. They are in a state of disbelief, or anger, or fear. They woke up hoping that it was a dream, but it's real. What's so awesome is that I truly believe our president is the type of man who will reach out to those he has yet to win over and be a wonderful president for them too. A man of his word.
I am so proud to be an American, a Black American. We have come so far and we must keep this passion and excitement going. This is the time for us to stand together and make a lasting impact on our society and our country. This is a time for all of us to take pride, but not to take it for granted. We have a tremendous amount of work to do.
President-Elect, Barack Obama.
Wow.
The world has been watching our country for a long time know, wondering if America could and would see beyond color and elect an intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, open-minded, influential, spiritual and driven man to its highest office. The world celebrated with so many of us late into the night and morning.
I did several things I've never done before during this campaign. I talked about my views clearly and without reservation to any and everyone. I donated money on multiple occasions. I stood in line for hours to see him speak in person. I volunteered at a campaign headquarters. I didn't stay in the house to watch history, I went out and watched among a large extended family, united in a meaningful way. I cried and hugged strangers. I drove home honking through the streets with hundreds of other people doing the same. I felt full with the appreciation of what just occurred. What makes it even sweeter is I was able to share the moment with so many people I love and care for as well.
This represents so much, means so much to me. Sometimes I feel like I've been born into the wrong generation. I often prefer the music of the 60's to what I hear today. I'm extraordinarily content with people 30-40 years my senior. I have always been so heartbroken by the struggle that my people went through in this country, from slavery to Jim Crow, to the Civil Rights movement... Books, pictures, articles and movies I've seen have been burned into my soul and I can't forget. I am and have been motivated to "do something", anything to make a difference. I am sometimes guilty as referring to young people today (my generation and younger) as being apathetic. As a lost group that doesn't care about our history, or improving the lives of others. I have been saddened to learn that friends and associates of mine didn't vote during the Bush elections, even in Pennsylvania, a critical state. I have been angered by crass comments made about things I've considered real issues. This campaign has given me a reason not to be so critical. Sometimes it takes something strong to break through apathy and energize a people. A force so positive and true, that it cannot be denied. I'm so proud of my generation today. We stood in line for hours together, we donated hundreds and thousands of dollars, we made calls and canvassed, we celebrated peacefully together.
There is no pill that can be taken to erase what has happened in the last 24 hours. Many people do not feel the way I feel this morning. They are in a state of disbelief, or anger, or fear. They woke up hoping that it was a dream, but it's real. What's so awesome is that I truly believe our president is the type of man who will reach out to those he has yet to win over and be a wonderful president for them too. A man of his word.
I am so proud to be an American, a Black American. We have come so far and we must keep this passion and excitement going. This is the time for us to stand together and make a lasting impact on our society and our country. This is a time for all of us to take pride, but not to take it for granted. We have a tremendous amount of work to do.
President-Elect, Barack Obama.
Wow.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
First Sunday
I've always considered myself spiritual, but not necessarily religious. Going back to my circles, I didn't mention spirituality outright, but my beliefs guide my actions, and the way I feel about my actions.
My religious background is full of experiences with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. My family is religiously diverse, and I have spent time with and been exposed to a variety of beliefs. Church on Saturday (yes we called it church, not synagogue), bible study and service on Sunday, and daily prayers (salat).
My parents never forced a particular religion on me, and I was very open to my experiences. I wasn't a regular anywhere, but I was comfortable with my relationship with God. When I went to college, I primarily attended a baptist church and I really felt at home. After moving to Rochester, I tried a few different places and settled into a non-denominational christian church. I had wonderful mentors and friends in God and I miss that.
Now back in Maryland, I don't have a church home, and haven't looked very hard. It's bad because the time I've been here has been the most stressful of my life. Family concerns, financial difficulties, multiple moves, overworked and betrayed... I've felt so unsettled and at times really down. I know my prayers aren't enough, and I haven't felt as close to God as I want and need.
Despite all of this, I know I'm blessed and I know I just need to open myself up to receive. God's been trying to tell me something; I just have to listen. On my way home from work, I pass three gas stations before getting on the highway. I always stop at the first, but for some reason, I decided to go to the second station instead. My debit card didn't work, and frustrated, I closed my tank, and drove to the third station. While pumping my gas, I noticed an older man looking at me, he had a warm smile and I smiled back. "Hello Soror," he said and as he was the elder, I made my way to him and we embraced in the usual sigma/zeta way. We chatted for a while about greek life and then he gave me his card. He was the pastor of a church in Upper Marlboro and he invited me to service. As I got in my car, I knew it was God telling me I needed to find a church home, and this could be an option. That was a few months ago, and today, the First Sunday in November, was my first time in a long time in a Maryland Church.
I didn't go to the church in Upper Marlboro. Instead I went to a small baptist church in Columbia. The service took about an hour, and although I wasn't overly touched by the message for today, I did get something out of it, and beyond that, I felt comfort. The people were very warm and open. My offering wasn't tremendous, but I wanted to give more than I planned and I felt good about it. I was the only visitor and the Pastor called my name (correct pronunciation and everything!) and welcomed me. About a dozen people came to me at the end of service and invited me back.
I drove home feeling better about life and myself. I worked really hard and finished my midterm ahead of schedule. I spoke to my grandparents for a good amount of time, and it had been a while since we last talked. I started organizing some papers and found money I didn't know I had, 7x what I gave to the church. Things for me financially have changed in the past week and it truly was a blessing to find the money.
I know it's just the beginning, and I'm getting the "I told you so," but I welcome it, and I'm looking forward to finding a church home and strengthening my relationship to God. I'm also going to be open to those God sends to help me and educate me along the way.
My religious background is full of experiences with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. My family is religiously diverse, and I have spent time with and been exposed to a variety of beliefs. Church on Saturday (yes we called it church, not synagogue), bible study and service on Sunday, and daily prayers (salat).
My parents never forced a particular religion on me, and I was very open to my experiences. I wasn't a regular anywhere, but I was comfortable with my relationship with God. When I went to college, I primarily attended a baptist church and I really felt at home. After moving to Rochester, I tried a few different places and settled into a non-denominational christian church. I had wonderful mentors and friends in God and I miss that.
Now back in Maryland, I don't have a church home, and haven't looked very hard. It's bad because the time I've been here has been the most stressful of my life. Family concerns, financial difficulties, multiple moves, overworked and betrayed... I've felt so unsettled and at times really down. I know my prayers aren't enough, and I haven't felt as close to God as I want and need.
Despite all of this, I know I'm blessed and I know I just need to open myself up to receive. God's been trying to tell me something; I just have to listen. On my way home from work, I pass three gas stations before getting on the highway. I always stop at the first, but for some reason, I decided to go to the second station instead. My debit card didn't work, and frustrated, I closed my tank, and drove to the third station. While pumping my gas, I noticed an older man looking at me, he had a warm smile and I smiled back. "Hello Soror," he said and as he was the elder, I made my way to him and we embraced in the usual sigma/zeta way. We chatted for a while about greek life and then he gave me his card. He was the pastor of a church in Upper Marlboro and he invited me to service. As I got in my car, I knew it was God telling me I needed to find a church home, and this could be an option. That was a few months ago, and today, the First Sunday in November, was my first time in a long time in a Maryland Church.
I didn't go to the church in Upper Marlboro. Instead I went to a small baptist church in Columbia. The service took about an hour, and although I wasn't overly touched by the message for today, I did get something out of it, and beyond that, I felt comfort. The people were very warm and open. My offering wasn't tremendous, but I wanted to give more than I planned and I felt good about it. I was the only visitor and the Pastor called my name (correct pronunciation and everything!) and welcomed me. About a dozen people came to me at the end of service and invited me back.
I drove home feeling better about life and myself. I worked really hard and finished my midterm ahead of schedule. I spoke to my grandparents for a good amount of time, and it had been a while since we last talked. I started organizing some papers and found money I didn't know I had, 7x what I gave to the church. Things for me financially have changed in the past week and it truly was a blessing to find the money.
I know it's just the beginning, and I'm getting the "I told you so," but I welcome it, and I'm looking forward to finding a church home and strengthening my relationship to God. I'm also going to be open to those God sends to help me and educate me along the way.
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