I walked Pepper tonight and was met with thick, warm air and a gentle breeze. I looked over the roofs of the houses and saw God's thumbnail surrounded by stars. I took in a deep breath and momentarily closed my eyes.
I wanted to sit out side and marvel at God's greatness. I felt like being one with the night. The humidity produced by the pending storms gave me a feeling of fullness. The more I inhaled, the more I relaxed. I came inside and asked my mom to come to the park with me. I wanted to see the moon and our balcony didn't face the"right" way. She was reluctant but agreed... unfortunately we didn't find a good place to park and sit, and she let me know about it. Slightly unnerved but determined, I decided the balcony would be better than nothing.
I sat in the chair, leaned my head against the backrest, and lifted my feet over the rail. It was cooler in the back, facing the woods. It was a cloudy night, but when I sat, I saw the opening above me. The beautiful lights twinkling between the clouds. I turned on my iPod, listening to Sade and stared. I think I've watched the clouds before but this felt different. It was beautiful... I could clearly see the Little Dipper which made me smile. As the clouds moved across the sky, I closed my eyes and immediately became aware of the wind. It cooled my cheeks as it caressed my face. I felt my eyes well and the tickle as a single tear rolled down my cheek. There was a new song playing..
If I can see it... then I can do it... If I just believe it... there's nothing to it... I love this song. Somehow sitting beneath the sky, feeling the night air, eyes closed, I could visualize the future I wanted. I actually saw my children playing in the backyard with their father. I could see my husband holding my hand as we walked down the street. I saw myself working on a project for my own business with my mom. I could see my dad hugging his grandson... I opened my eyes and the sky was again clear.
I took the chair back inside and shut the blinds.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
...
My feelings are hurt...
That sums it all up in four words. I don't really want to talk about it. I have something pent up inside, and I can't share it, and I can't write about it. All I can do is feel it. It's a really lonely place to be. I don't like it, and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I don't know how to fix it... it isn't mine to fix...
I prayed about it last night. I woke up and I didn't feel better. Does that mean I didn't really let it go? Probably. I don't want any parts of this. All I really want is a hug and someone to say it'll be ok. And mean it...
That sums it all up in four words. I don't really want to talk about it. I have something pent up inside, and I can't share it, and I can't write about it. All I can do is feel it. It's a really lonely place to be. I don't like it, and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I don't know how to fix it... it isn't mine to fix...
I prayed about it last night. I woke up and I didn't feel better. Does that mean I didn't really let it go? Probably. I don't want any parts of this. All I really want is a hug and someone to say it'll be ok. And mean it...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Misc. -- psychology of men and women
Business School has been an enlightening and empowering experience. I can honestly say I've learned more than I imagined already, and I have every confidence that when I graduate, It will be worth every penny (and trust me, their are millions of pennies).
This semester I'm taking an Entrepreneurship course and I'm so excited. It's my dream to be a successful entrepreneur. On the first day, the teacher made all 51 of us say our name, explain our interest in the course, and describe any related experiences. As I listened, I noticed the trends. The men in the class spoke about working with various start-ups, in some cases starting their own businesses. The men who hadn't were very cool and collected about there reasons for taking the class, insinuating that they wanted the professor to prove the validity of entrepreneurship.
The women were different. Almost all began with "Well, I really don't have any entrepreneurial experience..." followed by either stories of odd jobs here and there at childhood or just being curious about how feasible life as a business owner would be.
The next tell-tale sign was a pitch assignment. About 23 people got up and gave a 75 second pitch for a business they were interested in starting. Again, the differences were stark. Women came to the front with traditional business ideas. The ones that required a lot of time, labor and money to get started. They ranged from Spa's to Bakery's to Services where the owner had to plan and execute repeatedly to get paid. One presentation, a pair of women, had an idea that could take off and go beyond their physical capabilities. I like to think my idea had legs as well. Only 6 women presented, including myself.
By and large the men shared idea's that required up front planning and capital, but could grow beyond their efforts. I won't get into sharing their brilliance but trust me when I say that their ideas were not restricted to the number of hours they could work.
Listening more, I heard stories of men in the class meeting with professors to discuss various ideas and initiatives, entering case competitions and pitching businesses. No such stories from the women.
I started thinking again...
We (men and women) are admitted to grad school with essentially equivalent GMAT scores, undergrad grades, work experiences... and yet, our approaches to grad school have been very different. I'm not one to talk in generalities, but it seems like men and women just think and work on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Women are focusing on the educational experience. The classwork. Men are making connections, building their networking and setting their eyes on long-term profits. Up until this winter, I've only thought about talking to a professor about my ideas. I didn't want to appear to be a kiss-up during the semester, and then I just wouldn't pursue it afterwards. I was a little green that my male classmates, who I don't think are any more capable or creative, had the gumption to do what it's taken me a lot longer to even try, semesters ago.
I got home from class today and turned on the news... Another bailed out company, Wells Fargo, was planning something extravagant. This time it would be junkets in Vegas at the Wynn and Encore luxury hotels for 12 days. This was to be a "reward" to their hard working "employees". Apparently the outrage was enough to make them cancel their plans.
My mother said, "A woman would never have done that in this economy after taking $25M from the government.." I smiled.
I guess it works both ways.
This semester I'm taking an Entrepreneurship course and I'm so excited. It's my dream to be a successful entrepreneur. On the first day, the teacher made all 51 of us say our name, explain our interest in the course, and describe any related experiences. As I listened, I noticed the trends. The men in the class spoke about working with various start-ups, in some cases starting their own businesses. The men who hadn't were very cool and collected about there reasons for taking the class, insinuating that they wanted the professor to prove the validity of entrepreneurship.
The women were different. Almost all began with "Well, I really don't have any entrepreneurial experience..." followed by either stories of odd jobs here and there at childhood or just being curious about how feasible life as a business owner would be.
The next tell-tale sign was a pitch assignment. About 23 people got up and gave a 75 second pitch for a business they were interested in starting. Again, the differences were stark. Women came to the front with traditional business ideas. The ones that required a lot of time, labor and money to get started. They ranged from Spa's to Bakery's to Services where the owner had to plan and execute repeatedly to get paid. One presentation, a pair of women, had an idea that could take off and go beyond their physical capabilities. I like to think my idea had legs as well. Only 6 women presented, including myself.
By and large the men shared idea's that required up front planning and capital, but could grow beyond their efforts. I won't get into sharing their brilliance but trust me when I say that their ideas were not restricted to the number of hours they could work.
Listening more, I heard stories of men in the class meeting with professors to discuss various ideas and initiatives, entering case competitions and pitching businesses. No such stories from the women.
I started thinking again...
We (men and women) are admitted to grad school with essentially equivalent GMAT scores, undergrad grades, work experiences... and yet, our approaches to grad school have been very different. I'm not one to talk in generalities, but it seems like men and women just think and work on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Women are focusing on the educational experience. The classwork. Men are making connections, building their networking and setting their eyes on long-term profits. Up until this winter, I've only thought about talking to a professor about my ideas. I didn't want to appear to be a kiss-up during the semester, and then I just wouldn't pursue it afterwards. I was a little green that my male classmates, who I don't think are any more capable or creative, had the gumption to do what it's taken me a lot longer to even try, semesters ago.
I got home from class today and turned on the news... Another bailed out company, Wells Fargo, was planning something extravagant. This time it would be junkets in Vegas at the Wynn and Encore luxury hotels for 12 days. This was to be a "reward" to their hard working "employees". Apparently the outrage was enough to make them cancel their plans.
My mother said, "A woman would never have done that in this economy after taking $25M from the government.." I smiled.
I guess it works both ways.
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